American Dreaming - 1990's / Views On Fatherhood

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. Those are words to live by. They are difficult words to live by because I believe that humans (being the fallible creatures we are) often find it very difficult to give their best effort to all that they endeavor to pursue. This was an axiom that I got from being the son of a very special man.

I had the good fortune of having a wonderful dad as a role model. He spent his entire life as a farmer (even though it wasn't always the means he used to make a living, it was the means he used to make a life). He worked the land, produced vegetables, harvested stored them and assisted Mom with the canning and preparation of food stores. That was what he did, that was who he was.

Circumstances prevented him from staying on the family farm into his 30's. He and Mom moved south from their familial hometown to a small village about 100 miles away. My mom took a job outside the home as a book keeper for a local car dealership and Dad began working on a farm owned by another person for the first time in his life (as a hired man). They lived there for about five years and saved their money to eventually buy their first (and only) home in the mid 1950's in another small town about 300 miles from their original hometown.

They took jobs at a state facility which enabled them to settle in to this community that was pretty much built around the presence of two state facilities (one a psychiatric center and one for the developmentally disabled). Again, my dad managed to get a job working on a farm that was situated on one of the state facilities.

Unfortunately, the farm portion of the facility was closed up soon after he had made the transition and then took a position as a therapy aide in the facility and began working caring for the psychiatric patients that were housed in that hospital. It was the first job that he ever had (now into his 40's) that wasn't related to working on a farm.

It shouldn't have been a big surprise that he began a vegetable garden on the property he built his home. That garden grew in the span of the ensuing five years to be about 1/2 acre that cared for throughout the following forty years.

He became my dad in 1959 when he turned 40 years old. The changes that obviously had to take place with the appearance of myself and my sister 20 months later in my parent's marriage were significant. They opted to alter their work habits as my dad took the responsibility of working the midnight shift while my mom worked during the day in the business office at the psychiatric center. It was in this manner that they were able to assure that my sister and I would never be left in the charge of a baby sister (and we never were). This was a huge sacrifice that neither my sister or myself could really fathom or appreciate fully until we became adults (and parents) ourselves.

That sacrifice was only the beginning. They were always engaged in what we were doing, what we wanted to do and were always there when we wanted or needed guidance or loving. Both of my folks were very family oriented. We were a very close knit family not only within our nuclear family but, also with regards to our extended family that my folks left in the "north country" of NY (their original home town area).

My dad taught me mostly by example. He never put any pressure on me to pursue any specific direction and was always interested in the things that I did pursue. It was almost as if they truy started to live their lives and fashion our home around the kids. Not having any other frame of reference, I just thought that was the way all families were run. It wasn't until I entered grade school and invariably did the comparisons all kids did that I began to realize how special (and spoiled) my sister's and my own situation truly was.

My Dad took on all tasks with a zeal and enthusiasm that never diminished as he got older. I was continually impressed with his work ethic as he proceeded through the ages of 70 and into his mid 80's.

One of the things that I believe I most admired about my father was the child-like exuberance he brought to life. The fact he enjoyed being busy is likely the reason I have the work ethic I do. I know that I learned how to interact and maintain relationships (outside of the family) from him. I remember his affinity for the “barter system” was actually something I came to admire. He would bring coffee to the mechanic he used (even if we weren't currently in need of any of the services he could provide). He thought it a matter of course to ask electricians and carpenters their opinion (without them being involved in the project and at no cost) and he would get answers and sometimes effort because he recommended their service to friends in other instances or he mowed their mom’s lawn and he would bring them donuts or vegetables as a means to barter for services. He innately could assess someone in any social situation and often strike up a conversation with a complete stranger on a moments notice without any degree of shame or degree of discomfort because he viewed this as the normal course of events in dealing with the his fellow man.

I learned how to be a dad because of the ways I was treated and the ways that he conducted himself through the years. I could never (even when he was living) begin to pay back that debt regardless of how much I felt I needed to.

Once I became an adult, our relationship changed as all kids' relationships change with their parents as time went on. We had some bumps in the road but, I never lost my respect for Dad or my marveling on what he accomplished in those years on a daily basis.