Those first years in the 1990’s following the breakup and divorce were pretty rough. The divorce left me in pretty dire financial straits. I managed to rent out a very small apartment in a town near where I was working. It featured four rooms but I barely had enough furnishings to fill that space in those years. I left the marriage with a couch; one arm chair a rickety table and some dinner chairs. I slept on the couch for over six months before I was able to acquire a bed frame, box springs and mattress from another co-worker who was selling stuff from her brother’s estate.
I saw my son on weekends, which was the one bright spot in those years. I pretty much avoided the apartment for the first two years except to arrive there to sleep, shower and prepare for work the next day. I worked late pretty much every workday partly out of necessity but looking back on that period, I’m pretty sure a large part of that behavior was simply avoiding the scene of being alone in that apartment.
The work was very satisfying and there were large portions of my week where I completely forgot about my recent failures domestically and the guilt I felt becoming an absentee parent. The area and more specifically my apartment never seemed to become “home”. I always felt like I was only on an extended vacation or working trip and that I would return to the situation that had been my “home” for all of my adult life until this move.
Professionally, I thrived. I took on more responsibility willingly and learned all I could about the organization and the inner workings of the office politics. In relatively short order I was rewarded with a promotion into management. The operating unit that we formed became the crown jewel in our corporate make up. We were the most profitable operating unit and, as such, our numbers grew in the first year basically doubling the number of staff within our business unit in the first 18 months.
There was certainly some measure of socialization that I took part in during those first three years. It mostly was relegated to seeing other staff members in “after work drinking or eating scenarios.” I became close with a small group of other management folk that were called the CQA team. I was the “unofficial” fifth member of that four-person department for the first two years of the operating unit. Their (our) efforts were to find business processes and apply Dr. Deming continuous quality improvement concepts to them in an effort to gain efficiencies. I learned much about Six Sigma and other quality assurance methodologies in that time frame. More importantly, I found more ways to help the organization that was rapidly becoming my surrogate family for this rough period of my life.
---Jim
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
The only fight
Arabs and Jews are fighting side by side.
Irish and English face their common foe.
Skinheads and Blacks join in a brother's band.
None seem to see the vow they share 'till death,
Even themselves, as in a blinding rage
They torture and maim for a jester's cause.
In each hundred years turns another page,
The players change; the fight stays the same.
The commanders unknown to those who charge on.
Destruction and Life in opposing camps:
Guns and bandages, bread and cyanide;
The dance of death, the embrace of murder.
From each human soul to God's pearly gates
Roars the one war that's real, 'tween Love and Hate.
--- Jer
Irish and English face their common foe.
Skinheads and Blacks join in a brother's band.
None seem to see the vow they share 'till death,
Even themselves, as in a blinding rage
They torture and maim for a jester's cause.
In each hundred years turns another page,
The players change; the fight stays the same.
The commanders unknown to those who charge on.
Destruction and Life in opposing camps:
Guns and bandages, bread and cyanide;
The dance of death, the embrace of murder.
From each human soul to God's pearly gates
Roars the one war that's real, 'tween Love and Hate.
--- Jer
Sunday, June 28, 2009
American Dreaming - 1990's / Part V
Once I had actual computer gear to work with, my days became very busy indeed. Since there were no other staff on board at that point that were technically savvy (although at that point in my career, it could be argued that I was not technically savvy). I was given a pile of computers, a pile of software, a collection of cabling and told to install 125 computer workstations in the next couple of weeks. Since there was no network in place, all of this had to be done sequentially.
After a few aborted starts, I arrived at a process where I would work in batches of five computers. I placed them onto their eventual desktop locations, hooked up the cables for the peripherals and then disposed of the cardboard packing materials. I would then take my pile of standard software install disks and begin a round robin of inserting disks, hitting enter, and moving on to the next computer. It was extremely rote in nature but I actually began to enjoy the task. After pretty much being engaged in things that wouldn’t necessarily be relevant in my longer-term role, this was kind of fun in comparison.
The other major task that I was assigned in this period was the creation of what were called “manuals”. These were three ring binders that would contain listings of thousands of medical providers broken by specialty arrayed alphabetically and then by zip code (2 different listings). These listings had to be done in paper format because there was no network in place and there were also no connections to the corporate computer systems in place for this particular book of business. I would learn later that this was because we made promises that our corporate IT function couldn’t deliver on. As my career progressed through three other organizations in this same industry, I found that this was not an uncommon practice in the managed care business.
The first problem I encountered in producing these paper listings was that the information came from corporate in a file format produced by a software package that I was not familiar with. I had to quickly learn the format, export the information, and then read it back into a software program I was familiar in to format the information and produce the listings. Because of the sheer size of this file, this was a very long process using the equipment that was “state of the art” at that point in time. The export/import process alone was taking around 4-5 hours to complete.
I continued with the process of working with that data while I was also overseeing and doing the workstation installs for the unit all of this needing to be complete within a two week time span. One of the really nice things that I enjoyed during this period was the fact that the business had not found a manager or supervisor for me. The hierarchy of the operating unit was still forming in those early days which meant that for the most part, I developed a really good working relationship with the COO of the operating unit (my interviewer and eventual mentor), Jack Riser.
Jack was an incredible leader. I learned much from watching him during this startup (and two others I would be lucky enough to be involved in while I was with this company). He had an uncanny ability to make all of the folks that he interacted with feel as if they always had his undivided attention whenever they interacted with him. He presented a front that was cool and confident regardless of what particular crisis you were about to lay on his doorstep. He developed a management team that was the best experience I had in my professional life. Throughout most of the five years I would eventually spend with this organization, I always felt like I was involved in something that was grand and promising. This was a complete shift from my experience within Civil Service where the only thing I ever felt like was a cog in a machine that was too big to ever truthfully care about working efficiently or providing a work environment where staff had any autonomy to speak of with regards to decisions or actions.
The first staff that joined that operating unit in those early weeks banded together and created a close relationship that was completely foreign to me in my adult working experience. We worked very hard and long hours but it was also a lot of fun and very rewarding to my spirit, especially given that these also were the final days in my first marriage. Despite the negative aspects of the dissolution of my domestic life, my professional life served to be a welcome new focus in my life.
---Jim
After a few aborted starts, I arrived at a process where I would work in batches of five computers. I placed them onto their eventual desktop locations, hooked up the cables for the peripherals and then disposed of the cardboard packing materials. I would then take my pile of standard software install disks and begin a round robin of inserting disks, hitting enter, and moving on to the next computer. It was extremely rote in nature but I actually began to enjoy the task. After pretty much being engaged in things that wouldn’t necessarily be relevant in my longer-term role, this was kind of fun in comparison.
The other major task that I was assigned in this period was the creation of what were called “manuals”. These were three ring binders that would contain listings of thousands of medical providers broken by specialty arrayed alphabetically and then by zip code (2 different listings). These listings had to be done in paper format because there was no network in place and there were also no connections to the corporate computer systems in place for this particular book of business. I would learn later that this was because we made promises that our corporate IT function couldn’t deliver on. As my career progressed through three other organizations in this same industry, I found that this was not an uncommon practice in the managed care business.
The first problem I encountered in producing these paper listings was that the information came from corporate in a file format produced by a software package that I was not familiar with. I had to quickly learn the format, export the information, and then read it back into a software program I was familiar in to format the information and produce the listings. Because of the sheer size of this file, this was a very long process using the equipment that was “state of the art” at that point in time. The export/import process alone was taking around 4-5 hours to complete.
I continued with the process of working with that data while I was also overseeing and doing the workstation installs for the unit all of this needing to be complete within a two week time span. One of the really nice things that I enjoyed during this period was the fact that the business had not found a manager or supervisor for me. The hierarchy of the operating unit was still forming in those early days which meant that for the most part, I developed a really good working relationship with the COO of the operating unit (my interviewer and eventual mentor), Jack Riser.
Jack was an incredible leader. I learned much from watching him during this startup (and two others I would be lucky enough to be involved in while I was with this company). He had an uncanny ability to make all of the folks that he interacted with feel as if they always had his undivided attention whenever they interacted with him. He presented a front that was cool and confident regardless of what particular crisis you were about to lay on his doorstep. He developed a management team that was the best experience I had in my professional life. Throughout most of the five years I would eventually spend with this organization, I always felt like I was involved in something that was grand and promising. This was a complete shift from my experience within Civil Service where the only thing I ever felt like was a cog in a machine that was too big to ever truthfully care about working efficiently or providing a work environment where staff had any autonomy to speak of with regards to decisions or actions.
The first staff that joined that operating unit in those early weeks banded together and created a close relationship that was completely foreign to me in my adult working experience. We worked very hard and long hours but it was also a lot of fun and very rewarding to my spirit, especially given that these also were the final days in my first marriage. Despite the negative aspects of the dissolution of my domestic life, my professional life served to be a welcome new focus in my life.
---Jim
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The mouse and the hawk
As I ascended onto the high ridge
Peak after peak in a glorious sign
Of God's perfect hand. I, the thought of swoosh
And swing, child of the universe, protected,
Travel beyond the great divide to snow
Deep fields where grapple falls and gale winds blow.
I glory in my honored seat by God.
Then dark sky falls and my coat feels paltry.
The cold wet wind shows home too far away.
Conceit and hubris reveal their faces.
Fear surges too late. I breathe deep the gloom.
Now the time for God's fearsome face to scowl.
As the numbness and drifting start, in shock
I suddenly see the mouse and the hawk.
--- Jer
Peak after peak in a glorious sign
Of God's perfect hand. I, the thought of swoosh
And swing, child of the universe, protected,
Travel beyond the great divide to snow
Deep fields where grapple falls and gale winds blow.
I glory in my honored seat by God.
Then dark sky falls and my coat feels paltry.
The cold wet wind shows home too far away.
Conceit and hubris reveal their faces.
Fear surges too late. I breathe deep the gloom.
Now the time for God's fearsome face to scowl.
As the numbness and drifting start, in shock
I suddenly see the mouse and the hawk.
--- Jer
Friday, June 26, 2009
American Dreaming - 1990's / Part IV
When I returned home I told my (soon to be ex) wife about the salary change and some of the odd characteristics of the interview’s experience. She was thrilled with the prospect of the extra money. I’m not sure whether she saw this as a means to finally be rid of me or not but, she was pleased.
I began the planning for the transition out of my current position within my role in Civil Service. I informed my supervisor and manager of the resignation. They were none too pleased as I was going to be somewhat difficult to replace. I had been holding a driver’s position but, basically had wheeled my way into managing the maintenance of the motor pool as it pertained to the inventory and ordering of parts and the keeping of all the pertinent vehicle records. I had in the course of my last year within that organization digitized some ten years of maintenance records, automated the tracking of the fuel expenditures, developed management reporting for the costs and usage of each vehicle. It looked like my supervisor was going to have to take on many of those tasks in my absence.
I was also very conscious of the changes that this job was going to be facilitating within my role with my present family. I was somewhat guarded in what my expectations wee with regards to a change in living arrangements but, in my heart, I knew that it was a foregone conclusion that I was going to be leaving this home very soon.
The worst aspect of this lifestyle change was that I knew I was about to become an absentee parent to my seven-year-old son. One of the hardest things that I think I ever had to face was the look of abject terror on my son’s face as we (his mom and I) were attempting to explain the rationale for the “trial separation” (that neither of us believed was a trial of any type).
For the first few weeks in this new position, I had some interesting tasks assigned to me. Because this was very much a startup operation, there was no infrastructure within the office. Since I was hired three weeks in advance of the office “going live”, I was given the enviable tasks of overseeing some of the deliveries that the office was taking, I worked with the telecommunications vendors to establish the installation of needed data and voice circuits into the office space that would soon house are “new home”
There was also no computers on any of the desks but, the organization was moving forward with training the “phone folks”. The organization first needed to establish both customer service staff along with a provider relations function. Since there was no data or a computer to begin to work with it, I was put through the same training that was being offered to the folks that would soon man our telephone banks in support of both the patients who would be using our service and the doctors and medical professionals who we were looking to add to our provider network.
The phone training was a complete switch for me. I had never really had any kind of job where I was a front line customer service type. I learned about the functions and procedures that the organization was to deploy with our eventual front line staff. Two weeks before we were to start up our business function, we agreed to provide customer service calls into our organization even though we had no computers on the desktop and no real scripts developed for this specific book of business. It was really a “fly by the seat of your pants” type of experience. We were told to field questions the best way we could, jot down questions that we would then have an opportunity to do a “call back on” and to refer any “difficult” calls to the two experienced trainers that were serving temporary duty at this location (on loan from “Corporate”).
I remember fielding one call from a very polite and soft-spoken gentleman who expressed gratitude in our organization’s promise that we would provide them with medical assistance that was within 25 miles of his home. Apparently, he currently drove his spouse to counseling at a location that was an hour and a half’s travel one-way. I was touched by his story and told him that I would verify the fact that we had a professional with the expertise that his wife’s condition called for and give him a call back. Fortunately for me, the computer equipment arrived before I actually completed his call. I did take the time to hand off the detailed notes I took during his call to one of the “real” customer service folks and instructed them to do the actual call back with the requested information. I then turned my attention to setting up the desktop equipment and loading software that would consume the next two weeks worth of my time.
---Jim
I began the planning for the transition out of my current position within my role in Civil Service. I informed my supervisor and manager of the resignation. They were none too pleased as I was going to be somewhat difficult to replace. I had been holding a driver’s position but, basically had wheeled my way into managing the maintenance of the motor pool as it pertained to the inventory and ordering of parts and the keeping of all the pertinent vehicle records. I had in the course of my last year within that organization digitized some ten years of maintenance records, automated the tracking of the fuel expenditures, developed management reporting for the costs and usage of each vehicle. It looked like my supervisor was going to have to take on many of those tasks in my absence.
I was also very conscious of the changes that this job was going to be facilitating within my role with my present family. I was somewhat guarded in what my expectations wee with regards to a change in living arrangements but, in my heart, I knew that it was a foregone conclusion that I was going to be leaving this home very soon.
The worst aspect of this lifestyle change was that I knew I was about to become an absentee parent to my seven-year-old son. One of the hardest things that I think I ever had to face was the look of abject terror on my son’s face as we (his mom and I) were attempting to explain the rationale for the “trial separation” (that neither of us believed was a trial of any type).
For the first few weeks in this new position, I had some interesting tasks assigned to me. Because this was very much a startup operation, there was no infrastructure within the office. Since I was hired three weeks in advance of the office “going live”, I was given the enviable tasks of overseeing some of the deliveries that the office was taking, I worked with the telecommunications vendors to establish the installation of needed data and voice circuits into the office space that would soon house are “new home”
There was also no computers on any of the desks but, the organization was moving forward with training the “phone folks”. The organization first needed to establish both customer service staff along with a provider relations function. Since there was no data or a computer to begin to work with it, I was put through the same training that was being offered to the folks that would soon man our telephone banks in support of both the patients who would be using our service and the doctors and medical professionals who we were looking to add to our provider network.
The phone training was a complete switch for me. I had never really had any kind of job where I was a front line customer service type. I learned about the functions and procedures that the organization was to deploy with our eventual front line staff. Two weeks before we were to start up our business function, we agreed to provide customer service calls into our organization even though we had no computers on the desktop and no real scripts developed for this specific book of business. It was really a “fly by the seat of your pants” type of experience. We were told to field questions the best way we could, jot down questions that we would then have an opportunity to do a “call back on” and to refer any “difficult” calls to the two experienced trainers that were serving temporary duty at this location (on loan from “Corporate”).
I remember fielding one call from a very polite and soft-spoken gentleman who expressed gratitude in our organization’s promise that we would provide them with medical assistance that was within 25 miles of his home. Apparently, he currently drove his spouse to counseling at a location that was an hour and a half’s travel one-way. I was touched by his story and told him that I would verify the fact that we had a professional with the expertise that his wife’s condition called for and give him a call back. Fortunately for me, the computer equipment arrived before I actually completed his call. I did take the time to hand off the detailed notes I took during his call to one of the “real” customer service folks and instructed them to do the actual call back with the requested information. I then turned my attention to setting up the desktop equipment and loading software that would consume the next two weeks worth of my time.
---Jim
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Today
Today I am different.
The sights and sounds of the world breathe through me.
Death is my friend. Look quickly over your left shoulder
it is always there, the inevitable ending of me.
I do not welcome the end of the world
but I accept this life as loan I must return.
A borrowed Dog.
I care for,
I love,
but I will not pretend it is mine.
I will not wear my trousers rolled
or fly with Peter Pan.
I will not bargain
piling my possessions around me
as a bulwark.
I will not fear every chance thrown;
I bet with house money.
I will not guard against every potentiality
but neither will I leave that Dog with a pack of coyotes.
I will walk the wire. I will sketch my best map
and follow it with a strong stride.
And I will dance to the joyous song
that the universe sings to me.
--- Jer
The sights and sounds of the world breathe through me.
Death is my friend. Look quickly over your left shoulder
it is always there, the inevitable ending of me.
I do not welcome the end of the world
but I accept this life as loan I must return.
A borrowed Dog.
I care for,
I love,
but I will not pretend it is mine.
I will not wear my trousers rolled
or fly with Peter Pan.
I will not bargain
piling my possessions around me
as a bulwark.
I will not fear every chance thrown;
I bet with house money.
I will not guard against every potentiality
but neither will I leave that Dog with a pack of coyotes.
I will walk the wire. I will sketch my best map
and follow it with a strong stride.
And I will dance to the joyous song
that the universe sings to me.
--- Jer
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
American Dreaming - 1990's / Part III
I entered the job interview dressed in all my adult clothes and armed with several rehearsed lines of rationale on why/how I would be the best person for this job along with what my salary requirements were going to be. I knew in the back of my mind that if I got this job, it would eventually lead to a re-location to this unfamiliar city. After having spent the whole of my life in rather rural environs, this would lead to a taste of urban life (at least some measure of urban life… it was a small city). I was both apprehensive and somewhat excited about the prospect of essentially a new career with this job being the initial jumping off point for that new life.
The face-to-face interview was actually a second interview with this organization. I had a phone interview several days preceding this and apparently garnered enough interest that they wanted a “second look”. It was to take place in a very small annexed section of what was once a shirt factory on the riverfront in the city of Troy, NY. The building looked like it had definitely seen better days. The annex wing was a newer build onto the structure which otherwise consisted of a rough brick facing that was in need of a facelift (the paint was visibly peeling).
I entered the building and was immediately struck by a whirlwind of activity. There seemed to be laborers and contractors everywhere. The office structure was literally being built as business was being conducted. Well, business of interviewing prospective job applicants anyway. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any other type of business even possible given the lack of infrastructure visibly apparent to me within my first impression.
I was greeted by a receptionist who was dressed sharply and in a business fashion situated behind what appeared to be a folding table with a tablecloth covering. She was sitting on what appeared to be one of a half dozen or so folding chairs in her workspace and in the waiting area. I must admit I was a tad taken back by the temporary furniture and lack of carpeting and indeed some wall coverings but I was fascinated (and impressed) by all the activity that was abuzz within my current perspective. I was told that the gentleman I was there to meet with would be free in a matter of a few minutes so I sat down in one of the folding chairs and began a mental inventory of the points I wanted to make once I got into the interview.
In a short while I was greeted by a gentleman (my eventual interviewer) who was to become the eventual COO for the business unit that was being constructed (as we spoke). I was given some background as to the purpose and plan for the business unit and finally we discussed the actual position that I was applying for.
The job title was that of a data analyst. The job description indicated that the responsibilities for the position would include (among other things) analyzing operational data for management reporting. The interviewer explained that because this was very much a start up operation that there was likely going to be a large amount of flux in both the working conditions as well as a lot of the tasks that would be assigned to all of the staff assigned to the working group. I knew little of working in a corporate environment within an IT function but the idea of building something from scratch with what appeared to be a lot of autonomy was very appealing to me.
We were interrupted a few times by workers who would basically knock on the door, enter the room and either report on details of tasks to my host or to ask questions. My host would graciously excuse himself from our conversation and promptly make decisions or give guidance and then return his attention back to our interview. About the third time this occurred I noticed a sly smile come onto his face. I wasn’t sure if he amused at the turn of events that continued to plague our interview or basically what his impressions were of me.
Another interaction took place where one of the electricians that were working in the space entered the room and was looking to connect electrical and data cabling to the desk that my host was sitting at. In order to accomplish this, he was in need of either a ladder or some type of stepstool. He turned to me and asked if he could utilize the chair I was sitting in. I stood up, offered him the chair, he completed his task and then my eye caught my interviewers eye and we shared a good laugh at the absolute insane circumstances that kept us from what was generally a pleasant interview. We discussed what my career goals were. I told him that I was very interested in developing my database and analysis skills and that I was also interested (at some point) in entering management. The manner in which he handled the chaos and our disjointed conversation impressed me greatly. I didn’t know it at that point in the game but, this person would become one of my mentors in my career (and life) over the next five or six years.
The conversation then turned towards salary discussions. I had prepared (and rehearsed for the 100 mile trip to the interview) what my rationale was for the asking salary that I was going to relay once the conversation got to this point. I explained first that my current conditions were two jobs (working out of title in a driver’s position but laboring within an IT function at one of the state facilities along with pumping gas a local gas station in the evenings.) and that I lived 100 miles away. My combined salary at that point was just under $20K. My next line of logic was going to be to combine the two salaries and add on a good measure for the transportation costs to arrive at my asking price but before I could get those words out, my interviewer stated…
“Well, let’s see what we can do to get you down to one job. What would you say if I offered you $33,000 / yr to start the position with. This was about $10K more than I was going to ask for.
I immediately replied (without thinking or considering negotiations), “I would say that you’ve found yourself a data analyst.”
He smiled, shook my hand and then proceeded to take me on a quick tour of the office space that would eventually house the operating unit. We went into the bowels of the shirt factory building and up to the 2nd floor of that 8 story building. The first thing that I noticed when the elevator doors opened was that there was no wall on the north end of the building, only a gaping hole that opened up onto a parking lot. I must admit this was a bit disconcerting. He stated that the plan was to have the office operational in four weeks. Not wanted to show concern (although I had many), I simply nodded my head. We agreed that I would be starting in two weeks time, he led me back through the maze of work areas to the annex and we exchanged good-byes.
As I was walking back to the parking lot, I was filled with a whole slew of conflicting emotions. I was excited, apprehensive, thrilled with the prospect of the salary change, scared of the other changes that all of this was about to bring to my family and myself.
---Jim
The face-to-face interview was actually a second interview with this organization. I had a phone interview several days preceding this and apparently garnered enough interest that they wanted a “second look”. It was to take place in a very small annexed section of what was once a shirt factory on the riverfront in the city of Troy, NY. The building looked like it had definitely seen better days. The annex wing was a newer build onto the structure which otherwise consisted of a rough brick facing that was in need of a facelift (the paint was visibly peeling).
I entered the building and was immediately struck by a whirlwind of activity. There seemed to be laborers and contractors everywhere. The office structure was literally being built as business was being conducted. Well, business of interviewing prospective job applicants anyway. I was pretty sure there wasn’t any other type of business even possible given the lack of infrastructure visibly apparent to me within my first impression.
I was greeted by a receptionist who was dressed sharply and in a business fashion situated behind what appeared to be a folding table with a tablecloth covering. She was sitting on what appeared to be one of a half dozen or so folding chairs in her workspace and in the waiting area. I must admit I was a tad taken back by the temporary furniture and lack of carpeting and indeed some wall coverings but I was fascinated (and impressed) by all the activity that was abuzz within my current perspective. I was told that the gentleman I was there to meet with would be free in a matter of a few minutes so I sat down in one of the folding chairs and began a mental inventory of the points I wanted to make once I got into the interview.
In a short while I was greeted by a gentleman (my eventual interviewer) who was to become the eventual COO for the business unit that was being constructed (as we spoke). I was given some background as to the purpose and plan for the business unit and finally we discussed the actual position that I was applying for.
The job title was that of a data analyst. The job description indicated that the responsibilities for the position would include (among other things) analyzing operational data for management reporting. The interviewer explained that because this was very much a start up operation that there was likely going to be a large amount of flux in both the working conditions as well as a lot of the tasks that would be assigned to all of the staff assigned to the working group. I knew little of working in a corporate environment within an IT function but the idea of building something from scratch with what appeared to be a lot of autonomy was very appealing to me.
We were interrupted a few times by workers who would basically knock on the door, enter the room and either report on details of tasks to my host or to ask questions. My host would graciously excuse himself from our conversation and promptly make decisions or give guidance and then return his attention back to our interview. About the third time this occurred I noticed a sly smile come onto his face. I wasn’t sure if he amused at the turn of events that continued to plague our interview or basically what his impressions were of me.
Another interaction took place where one of the electricians that were working in the space entered the room and was looking to connect electrical and data cabling to the desk that my host was sitting at. In order to accomplish this, he was in need of either a ladder or some type of stepstool. He turned to me and asked if he could utilize the chair I was sitting in. I stood up, offered him the chair, he completed his task and then my eye caught my interviewers eye and we shared a good laugh at the absolute insane circumstances that kept us from what was generally a pleasant interview. We discussed what my career goals were. I told him that I was very interested in developing my database and analysis skills and that I was also interested (at some point) in entering management. The manner in which he handled the chaos and our disjointed conversation impressed me greatly. I didn’t know it at that point in the game but, this person would become one of my mentors in my career (and life) over the next five or six years.
The conversation then turned towards salary discussions. I had prepared (and rehearsed for the 100 mile trip to the interview) what my rationale was for the asking salary that I was going to relay once the conversation got to this point. I explained first that my current conditions were two jobs (working out of title in a driver’s position but laboring within an IT function at one of the state facilities along with pumping gas a local gas station in the evenings.) and that I lived 100 miles away. My combined salary at that point was just under $20K. My next line of logic was going to be to combine the two salaries and add on a good measure for the transportation costs to arrive at my asking price but before I could get those words out, my interviewer stated…
“Well, let’s see what we can do to get you down to one job. What would you say if I offered you $33,000 / yr to start the position with. This was about $10K more than I was going to ask for.
I immediately replied (without thinking or considering negotiations), “I would say that you’ve found yourself a data analyst.”
He smiled, shook my hand and then proceeded to take me on a quick tour of the office space that would eventually house the operating unit. We went into the bowels of the shirt factory building and up to the 2nd floor of that 8 story building. The first thing that I noticed when the elevator doors opened was that there was no wall on the north end of the building, only a gaping hole that opened up onto a parking lot. I must admit this was a bit disconcerting. He stated that the plan was to have the office operational in four weeks. Not wanted to show concern (although I had many), I simply nodded my head. We agreed that I would be starting in two weeks time, he led me back through the maze of work areas to the annex and we exchanged good-byes.
As I was walking back to the parking lot, I was filled with a whole slew of conflicting emotions. I was excited, apprehensive, thrilled with the prospect of the salary change, scared of the other changes that all of this was about to bring to my family and myself.
---Jim
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Silfa - chapter nine
The tangle of bodies in the underbrush resolved into Benny and Bob. Benny was the first to recognize his friend. Bob swung a fist at the large figure crouched next to him.
"Woah there boy. It's Benny. 'Member me, tent mate, friends since pre-term school, flunked out of Scouts together."
"What the frack..."
Benny put his hand over Bob's mouth and jerked his head towards the river and the sound of voices.
"Shhhh, I was followed."
From the direction of the river floated strident voices. Loudest was that of Jeremiah.
"Will you two shut up! I thought I heard something."
Spying a nearby magpie, Benny picked up a small stone and tossed it at the bird. It dodged the stone in a flutter of feathers and cawing as it flew, soared over the three men floating down the river in a large dugout.
"Just a dratted bird, Jer." Said the stout man in the aft seat. "Say, how d' we know he didn't go upstream?"
"Slate, there you go trying to think again. You know that just gives you a headache. OK, I'll sum it up for you. There is nothing upstream but wilderness and it would take a lot of work to get there. Downstream, once he gets to the Wydeflat ford he can head east or west on the south road."
The voices trailed off down the river and after a full minute Benny Laughed.
"Well, imagine running into you here."
"Benny, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I figured you would need a shepherd and 'sides I had a slight disagreement with Jeremiah which was tending towards me drowning in a pool of shit."
Bob grimaced.
"Hmmmm, now there's a surprise. I told you messing with that snake was bad business."
"An' I told you messing with that britzle Anemone would end badly."
Bob bristled at the name but then his eyes slid to the ground subdued. Benny let the silence sit for a couple of beats then reached his hand out and squeezed Bob's shoulder.
"Sorry 'bout that. Soon as I heard what happened I headed out to find you when Jeremiah's thugs grabbed me to discuss the matter of 5,000 aluminum I had lost on credit. The only way out was to kill Jack the sheriff so I decided a permanent relocation was the only honorable path to take."
Bob's face relaxed and he slumped against a mossy tussock.
"How'd you find me anyway?"
"Luckily ya failed yer smokeless fire skill badge when we were in the Scouts."
Bob, grinned.
"Ha! And good thing you got your eggsucking badge. That'll come in handy later."
Benny laughed and slapped Bob's shoulder.
"Good to hear ya still got yer sense of humor. Now, where we going next?"
Bob looked at him seriously for a moment.
"I'm going to find Silfa. It's said that if you make the journey to the valley of the Fanta sea, he will grant your hearts greatest wish."
"I thought that was just a mater's tale to put children to sleep."
"Behind every legend there lies the shadow of a great truth. I have heard a scout who had been as far as Bertha's pass say that he saw the glimmering of a distant sea before he had to turn back."
"Prolly the ravings of a half dead addled brain. But, as well die there as another place I suppose. Much better than drowning in a pool of offal. So we'll head out towards the Boulder Hills then up to Bertha's pass?"
"Right, I don't have any supplies so we'll be eating a lot of prairie dogs and rabbits on the way."
"I had Mary pack some trail food but we can save that for when even prairie dogs will be a fond memory."
"Well, no sense waiting here any longer, unless you need to eat something before we head out."
"No, I'm good. I had something before I left. Let's go."
They both headed along the trail away from the river.
"By the way, have you seen Lenna lately, Quite the looker."
"She's your niece! Are you ever going to grow up?"
"Hope not."
End of Part 1
--- Jerry
"Woah there boy. It's Benny. 'Member me, tent mate, friends since pre-term school, flunked out of Scouts together."
"What the frack..."
Benny put his hand over Bob's mouth and jerked his head towards the river and the sound of voices.
"Shhhh, I was followed."
From the direction of the river floated strident voices. Loudest was that of Jeremiah.
"Will you two shut up! I thought I heard something."
Spying a nearby magpie, Benny picked up a small stone and tossed it at the bird. It dodged the stone in a flutter of feathers and cawing as it flew, soared over the three men floating down the river in a large dugout.
"Just a dratted bird, Jer." Said the stout man in the aft seat. "Say, how d' we know he didn't go upstream?"
"Slate, there you go trying to think again. You know that just gives you a headache. OK, I'll sum it up for you. There is nothing upstream but wilderness and it would take a lot of work to get there. Downstream, once he gets to the Wydeflat ford he can head east or west on the south road."
The voices trailed off down the river and after a full minute Benny Laughed.
"Well, imagine running into you here."
"Benny, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I figured you would need a shepherd and 'sides I had a slight disagreement with Jeremiah which was tending towards me drowning in a pool of shit."
Bob grimaced.
"Hmmmm, now there's a surprise. I told you messing with that snake was bad business."
"An' I told you messing with that britzle Anemone would end badly."
Bob bristled at the name but then his eyes slid to the ground subdued. Benny let the silence sit for a couple of beats then reached his hand out and squeezed Bob's shoulder.
"Sorry 'bout that. Soon as I heard what happened I headed out to find you when Jeremiah's thugs grabbed me to discuss the matter of 5,000 aluminum I had lost on credit. The only way out was to kill Jack the sheriff so I decided a permanent relocation was the only honorable path to take."
Bob's face relaxed and he slumped against a mossy tussock.
"How'd you find me anyway?"
"Luckily ya failed yer smokeless fire skill badge when we were in the Scouts."
Bob, grinned.
"Ha! And good thing you got your eggsucking badge. That'll come in handy later."
Benny laughed and slapped Bob's shoulder.
"Good to hear ya still got yer sense of humor. Now, where we going next?"
Bob looked at him seriously for a moment.
"I'm going to find Silfa. It's said that if you make the journey to the valley of the Fanta sea, he will grant your hearts greatest wish."
"I thought that was just a mater's tale to put children to sleep."
"Behind every legend there lies the shadow of a great truth. I have heard a scout who had been as far as Bertha's pass say that he saw the glimmering of a distant sea before he had to turn back."
"Prolly the ravings of a half dead addled brain. But, as well die there as another place I suppose. Much better than drowning in a pool of offal. So we'll head out towards the Boulder Hills then up to Bertha's pass?"
"Right, I don't have any supplies so we'll be eating a lot of prairie dogs and rabbits on the way."
"I had Mary pack some trail food but we can save that for when even prairie dogs will be a fond memory."
"Well, no sense waiting here any longer, unless you need to eat something before we head out."
"No, I'm good. I had something before I left. Let's go."
They both headed along the trail away from the river.
"By the way, have you seen Lenna lately, Quite the looker."
"She's your niece! Are you ever going to grow up?"
"Hope not."
End of Part 1
--- Jerry
Monday, June 22, 2009
American Dreaming – 1990’s / Part II
So, as stated earlier, I entered the private sector once again in this new decade. The 90’s were the last decade in the American Century, the last decade where the US could clearly claim any degree of dominance in most all aspects of life. In a lot of respects, I think the 1990’s became the last gasp of what the baby boomers thought of as the “American Dream.” By the end of this decade, the US politically started “taking it on the chin”, technologically they already were becoming subservient to Southeast Asia and Europe. The United States had become bloated and for the most part, they were a service oriented country that did little in the way of innovation while becoming the world’s largest consumers (literally and figuratively). The collision of these two worlds was inevitable.
For me, the decade was a coming of age, a rebirth in a lot of respects. I reinvented myself. I started a new chapter in my life. I probably achieved more in this decade than in any other in my life as far as advancing (hell creating) a career. I achieved this while gaining a greater understanding of myself and what areas to focus on in my life.
Leaving the familiar environs of my hometown, leaving a somewhat easy, cushy, position within the Civil Service and all the friends and support structure that I had (at that point in my life) was certainly a scary but exhilarating time for me. It also seemed to me that this really was one of those rare moments in life when I clearly saw the fork in the road and realized that despite the fact that the path I was choosing was fraught with the unknown, it was without a doubt the right path for me to pursue.
I threw myself into the job working 10 –12 hours days consistently and accepting an “on-call” posture in all of my off hours and weekends. In this manner, I was able to get through the first few years of being alone after the marriage went into the toilet. It was also this manner that I began a steady climb within all the companies that I became involved with in that time frame to take on every more prominent and more responsible positions in those organizations. I joined the ranks of management at the operating unit level, then management at a more regional role.
I relatively quickly began to adopt my new surroundings as “home” but it probably took the bulk of four or five years for that fully to sink in. The workaholic approach I was applying to my life assured me that I would have little time to focus on developing any life outside of work. At that point, this seemed to suit me just fine. The apartments I chose were small but, I maintained some vestige of a room for my son in each instance. I maintained a regular routine of traveling south on either Friday night or Saturday morning to pick him up and another trip of equal distance to return him on Sunday evenings. The trips themselves became something I most looked forward to over those years. It was during these times while we were both sequestered within our vehicle that we discussed all manner of topics. Things that were going on within his life, the projects he was involved with in school as well as topics around the news of the day. I think it was during those trips that we bonded more so than in most any other portion of our relationship together.
During this period of time I found that I had an affinity for computer networking. I was lucky enough to be given opportunities to take on design, implementation and management roles in local area networks and, in time, wide area networks in three different organizations in that decade. I enjoyed the work and learned a lot about the state of technology and in the matters involving management of technology (and people).
In my first interview of that decade, I encountered what had to be one of the weirder situations for a prospective job applicant to encounter.
---Jim
For me, the decade was a coming of age, a rebirth in a lot of respects. I reinvented myself. I started a new chapter in my life. I probably achieved more in this decade than in any other in my life as far as advancing (hell creating) a career. I achieved this while gaining a greater understanding of myself and what areas to focus on in my life.
Leaving the familiar environs of my hometown, leaving a somewhat easy, cushy, position within the Civil Service and all the friends and support structure that I had (at that point in my life) was certainly a scary but exhilarating time for me. It also seemed to me that this really was one of those rare moments in life when I clearly saw the fork in the road and realized that despite the fact that the path I was choosing was fraught with the unknown, it was without a doubt the right path for me to pursue.
I threw myself into the job working 10 –12 hours days consistently and accepting an “on-call” posture in all of my off hours and weekends. In this manner, I was able to get through the first few years of being alone after the marriage went into the toilet. It was also this manner that I began a steady climb within all the companies that I became involved with in that time frame to take on every more prominent and more responsible positions in those organizations. I joined the ranks of management at the operating unit level, then management at a more regional role.
I relatively quickly began to adopt my new surroundings as “home” but it probably took the bulk of four or five years for that fully to sink in. The workaholic approach I was applying to my life assured me that I would have little time to focus on developing any life outside of work. At that point, this seemed to suit me just fine. The apartments I chose were small but, I maintained some vestige of a room for my son in each instance. I maintained a regular routine of traveling south on either Friday night or Saturday morning to pick him up and another trip of equal distance to return him on Sunday evenings. The trips themselves became something I most looked forward to over those years. It was during these times while we were both sequestered within our vehicle that we discussed all manner of topics. Things that were going on within his life, the projects he was involved with in school as well as topics around the news of the day. I think it was during those trips that we bonded more so than in most any other portion of our relationship together.
During this period of time I found that I had an affinity for computer networking. I was lucky enough to be given opportunities to take on design, implementation and management roles in local area networks and, in time, wide area networks in three different organizations in that decade. I enjoyed the work and learned a lot about the state of technology and in the matters involving management of technology (and people).
In my first interview of that decade, I encountered what had to be one of the weirder situations for a prospective job applicant to encounter.
---Jim
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Silfa - chapter eight
Resisting the impulse to run, Benny casually walked to the end of the alley and turned toward the town square.
(I shouldn'ta'greed so easily. He'll be suspicious and have me followed sure. I gotta get out of here and find Bob. I have feeling he won't be heading back here any time soon and I can't show my face after tonight anyhow. Not if I want it to stay pretty and breathing. This'll be tricky. Gotta go someplace where they won't follow but I can slip away and get out of town. Damn, I should have put up more of a fight; if they'd had to convince me he might have bought it.)
Benny picked up speed as he reached the square. He Stopped at a stall that sold pork, onions, and potatoes grilled on a mesquite skewer. Benny pulled out a tin piece and glanced around at the alley. He saw the two thugs walking quickly toward the square.
(Yep, figured. The game is afoot and I'm it.)
"I'll take one with extra pepper sauce, Sweetness... say are you new to the village?"
The blonde girl behind the counter blushed.
"It hasn't been that long since you've seen me has it uncle Benny?"
"Good gods! Is that you Lenna. I swear it was just last year you were still in diapers."
"You should stop by once in a while. Mom's always talking about you."
(Mmmmm, that's an idea.)
"I think I will. Is she there now?"
Lenna smiles. "You betcha!"
She takes a grilled kabob off the fire and wraps it in flat bread then pulls out the skewer and dowses it with a thick brown pepper sauce. Wraps it in paper and hands it to Benny then says "we'll see you later?"
"Hope so."
(But prolly not if I can work things out right.)
Benny walked across the square to the street where his sister lived and casually walked down to the last house on the right and knocked on the dark blue door.
"Who is it?"
"It's your brother Benny."
"No, really, who's there."
"C'mon, open up. It's me, Benny."
"I think my brother's dead 'cause I'm sure he would stopped by before this; living in the same village and all."
"That in't sumthin' to joke about Mary and if you don't open the door now it might get real serious fast."
The door jerked open and Benny was face to face with a woman in her mid thirties, a heart shaped face framed by dirty blonde curls. Her face registered some emotion between concern and anger... maybe conger.
"What trouble you got yerself into now? Should have known you'ld only be by when you need help."
"I kept meanin' to stop by. Now smile for the gorillas and let me in."
With a quick glance up the street taking in the two rather large fellows trying to look interested in the architecture of the house two building down, Mary smiled and ushered Benny through the doorway.
"Well, what have you been up to now that has two thugs like that on your tail."
"It's Jeremiah; I owe him a bit o' metal losing at his crooked games and now he wants me to kill Jack."
"The sheriff? I don't know who's crazier, him or you for getting involved with him in the first place."
"My money would be on me. He knows if Jack is murdered while he an his boys are in plain sight, no one could pin it on 'im."
"Speaking of money how much do you owe him?"
"5,000 aluminum."
Mary gasped. "You're really in it this time. There's no way we could get together that much coin."
"I know, I just hoped you could put together a pack for me. Some dried meat, some flour, and some water. Drop it out the back window after I leave and I'll pick it up on my way out of town."
"We won't be seeing you again will we."
"I'll try to send word when I land some place but it'll be too dangerous to ever come back here I think. Listen they'll ask you about me. I'm sorry I got you involved but if you tell them I came asking for money they'll believe you."
Mary hugged Benny, "be careful and good luck. Don't worry about us, Mark has enough connections to protect us."
"Say, Lenna is grow'n up to be as pretty as her Mom."
Mary blushed and kissed Benny. "No need to butter me up, I already said I'd do all I can. Now get on with ya'."
Benny walked out the door and scanned up and down the street.
(No sign of the bottom feeders but I'm sure they're not far. Prolly one on each end of the street.)
Benny had only got a few yards into the square when he heard a shrill whistle coming from the street he had just exited. He didn't need to turn around to know that he was being followed again. Soon he was back to where Marissa was still standing under the shade of the of the large elm that grew near the spring near the center of the square.
"Mar, I need to talk to you up in your room."
Marissa smiled. "Benny you know you only get so many free 'talks' no matter how much I like ya. A girl's got to make a living ya' know."
Benny took Marissa by the arm and led her towards her doorway. "I'm in some trouble with Jeremiah and I got to get out of town quick. Ya' think ya could help me pull a quick one on 'em?"
"Jeremiah eh? You're playin' with a rattler there love... You betcha, I'd love ta stick it to that brastak."
"At's my girl." Climbing the stairs to Marissa's room Benny continued. "I'll need to duck out yer emergency route. Jeremiah's thugs ever been up here?"
"Naw, he's got his own girls. Would want his men giving business to the competition."
They entered a thick gray oak door near the end of a dark hall.
""You're the best Mar. I'm goin ta' really miss you. Just give me a few minutes head start before ya' go back outside."
Benny touched a panel that looked like every other panel in the room and it swung open to reveal a dark stairway leading down.
"Don't worry Benny, I'll keep them out as long as I can and Benny... you were always my favorite."
"I bet you say that to all the boys." Smiling Benny ducked into the opening and started down the stairs.
"Matter of fact I do." Marissa said to herself then started moaning softly.
Benny pushed out of a hidden door in the rear of the building and started heading through the brush back towards his sisters house when he heard Marissa moaning louder now.
(Damn, she's a convincing actress... Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was.)
Soon he was at the back of Mary's house. He picked up the nap sack that was laying there and headed out towards the river.
(I can see where Bob crashed through the bushes here and went into the river but there's no tracks on tha other side. I'm guessing he headed downstream.)
Benny headed out to where the current was strongest and paddled along with the current for several minutes until he saw the smoking remnants of a cook fire on the opposite bank. He emerged from the water still holding the pack over his head to keep it dry.
(Well, he wasn't here too long ago, this fire's still smoldering. Better put it out good before someone else figures out where 'e had breakfast.)
Benny was dowsing the embers of the fire when he heard voices coming from up stream. Sprinting into the underbrush along the obvious trail that Bob had left he glanced back towards the river to see if anyone noticed him just as he crashed into Bob, pinning him to the ground.
--- Jerry
(I shouldn'ta'greed so easily. He'll be suspicious and have me followed sure. I gotta get out of here and find Bob. I have feeling he won't be heading back here any time soon and I can't show my face after tonight anyhow. Not if I want it to stay pretty and breathing. This'll be tricky. Gotta go someplace where they won't follow but I can slip away and get out of town. Damn, I should have put up more of a fight; if they'd had to convince me he might have bought it.)
Benny picked up speed as he reached the square. He Stopped at a stall that sold pork, onions, and potatoes grilled on a mesquite skewer. Benny pulled out a tin piece and glanced around at the alley. He saw the two thugs walking quickly toward the square.
(Yep, figured. The game is afoot and I'm it.)
"I'll take one with extra pepper sauce, Sweetness... say are you new to the village?"
The blonde girl behind the counter blushed.
"It hasn't been that long since you've seen me has it uncle Benny?"
"Good gods! Is that you Lenna. I swear it was just last year you were still in diapers."
"You should stop by once in a while. Mom's always talking about you."
(Mmmmm, that's an idea.)
"I think I will. Is she there now?"
Lenna smiles. "You betcha!"
She takes a grilled kabob off the fire and wraps it in flat bread then pulls out the skewer and dowses it with a thick brown pepper sauce. Wraps it in paper and hands it to Benny then says "we'll see you later?"
"Hope so."
(But prolly not if I can work things out right.)
Benny walked across the square to the street where his sister lived and casually walked down to the last house on the right and knocked on the dark blue door.
"Who is it?"
"It's your brother Benny."
"No, really, who's there."
"C'mon, open up. It's me, Benny."
"I think my brother's dead 'cause I'm sure he would stopped by before this; living in the same village and all."
"That in't sumthin' to joke about Mary and if you don't open the door now it might get real serious fast."
The door jerked open and Benny was face to face with a woman in her mid thirties, a heart shaped face framed by dirty blonde curls. Her face registered some emotion between concern and anger... maybe conger.
"What trouble you got yerself into now? Should have known you'ld only be by when you need help."
"I kept meanin' to stop by. Now smile for the gorillas and let me in."
With a quick glance up the street taking in the two rather large fellows trying to look interested in the architecture of the house two building down, Mary smiled and ushered Benny through the doorway.
"Well, what have you been up to now that has two thugs like that on your tail."
"It's Jeremiah; I owe him a bit o' metal losing at his crooked games and now he wants me to kill Jack."
"The sheriff? I don't know who's crazier, him or you for getting involved with him in the first place."
"My money would be on me. He knows if Jack is murdered while he an his boys are in plain sight, no one could pin it on 'im."
"Speaking of money how much do you owe him?"
"5,000 aluminum."
Mary gasped. "You're really in it this time. There's no way we could get together that much coin."
"I know, I just hoped you could put together a pack for me. Some dried meat, some flour, and some water. Drop it out the back window after I leave and I'll pick it up on my way out of town."
"We won't be seeing you again will we."
"I'll try to send word when I land some place but it'll be too dangerous to ever come back here I think. Listen they'll ask you about me. I'm sorry I got you involved but if you tell them I came asking for money they'll believe you."
Mary hugged Benny, "be careful and good luck. Don't worry about us, Mark has enough connections to protect us."
"Say, Lenna is grow'n up to be as pretty as her Mom."
Mary blushed and kissed Benny. "No need to butter me up, I already said I'd do all I can. Now get on with ya'."
Benny walked out the door and scanned up and down the street.
(No sign of the bottom feeders but I'm sure they're not far. Prolly one on each end of the street.)
Benny had only got a few yards into the square when he heard a shrill whistle coming from the street he had just exited. He didn't need to turn around to know that he was being followed again. Soon he was back to where Marissa was still standing under the shade of the of the large elm that grew near the spring near the center of the square.
"Mar, I need to talk to you up in your room."
Marissa smiled. "Benny you know you only get so many free 'talks' no matter how much I like ya. A girl's got to make a living ya' know."
Benny took Marissa by the arm and led her towards her doorway. "I'm in some trouble with Jeremiah and I got to get out of town quick. Ya' think ya could help me pull a quick one on 'em?"
"Jeremiah eh? You're playin' with a rattler there love... You betcha, I'd love ta stick it to that brastak."
"At's my girl." Climbing the stairs to Marissa's room Benny continued. "I'll need to duck out yer emergency route. Jeremiah's thugs ever been up here?"
"Naw, he's got his own girls. Would want his men giving business to the competition."
They entered a thick gray oak door near the end of a dark hall.
""You're the best Mar. I'm goin ta' really miss you. Just give me a few minutes head start before ya' go back outside."
Benny touched a panel that looked like every other panel in the room and it swung open to reveal a dark stairway leading down.
"Don't worry Benny, I'll keep them out as long as I can and Benny... you were always my favorite."
"I bet you say that to all the boys." Smiling Benny ducked into the opening and started down the stairs.
"Matter of fact I do." Marissa said to herself then started moaning softly.
Benny pushed out of a hidden door in the rear of the building and started heading through the brush back towards his sisters house when he heard Marissa moaning louder now.
(Damn, she's a convincing actress... Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was.)
Soon he was at the back of Mary's house. He picked up the nap sack that was laying there and headed out towards the river.
(I can see where Bob crashed through the bushes here and went into the river but there's no tracks on tha other side. I'm guessing he headed downstream.)
Benny headed out to where the current was strongest and paddled along with the current for several minutes until he saw the smoking remnants of a cook fire on the opposite bank. He emerged from the water still holding the pack over his head to keep it dry.
(Well, he wasn't here too long ago, this fire's still smoldering. Better put it out good before someone else figures out where 'e had breakfast.)
Benny was dowsing the embers of the fire when he heard voices coming from up stream. Sprinting into the underbrush along the obvious trail that Bob had left he glanced back towards the river to see if anyone noticed him just as he crashed into Bob, pinning him to the ground.
--- Jerry
Saturday, June 20, 2009
American Dreaming - 1990's / Views On Fatherhood
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. Those are words to live by. They are difficult words to live by because I believe that humans (being the fallible creatures we are) often find it very difficult to give their best effort to all that they endeavor to pursue. This was an axiom that I got from being the son of a very special man.
I had the good fortune of having a wonderful dad as a role model. He spent his entire life as a farmer (even though it wasn't always the means he used to make a living, it was the means he used to make a life). He worked the land, produced vegetables, harvested stored them and assisted Mom with the canning and preparation of food stores. That was what he did, that was who he was.
Circumstances prevented him from staying on the family farm into his 30's. He and Mom moved south from their familial hometown to a small village about 100 miles away. My mom took a job outside the home as a book keeper for a local car dealership and Dad began working on a farm owned by another person for the first time in his life (as a hired man). They lived there for about five years and saved their money to eventually buy their first (and only) home in the mid 1950's in another small town about 300 miles from their original hometown.
They took jobs at a state facility which enabled them to settle in to this community that was pretty much built around the presence of two state facilities (one a psychiatric center and one for the developmentally disabled). Again, my dad managed to get a job working on a farm that was situated on one of the state facilities.
Unfortunately, the farm portion of the facility was closed up soon after he had made the transition and then took a position as a therapy aide in the facility and began working caring for the psychiatric patients that were housed in that hospital. It was the first job that he ever had (now into his 40's) that wasn't related to working on a farm.
It shouldn't have been a big surprise that he began a vegetable garden on the property he built his home. That garden grew in the span of the ensuing five years to be about 1/2 acre that cared for throughout the following forty years.
He became my dad in 1959 when he turned 40 years old. The changes that obviously had to take place with the appearance of myself and my sister 20 months later in my parent's marriage were significant. They opted to alter their work habits as my dad took the responsibility of working the midnight shift while my mom worked during the day in the business office at the psychiatric center. It was in this manner that they were able to assure that my sister and I would never be left in the charge of a baby sister (and we never were). This was a huge sacrifice that neither my sister or myself could really fathom or appreciate fully until we became adults (and parents) ourselves.
That sacrifice was only the beginning. They were always engaged in what we were doing, what we wanted to do and were always there when we wanted or needed guidance or loving. Both of my folks were very family oriented. We were a very close knit family not only within our nuclear family but, also with regards to our extended family that my folks left in the "north country" of NY (their original home town area).
My dad taught me mostly by example. He never put any pressure on me to pursue any specific direction and was always interested in the things that I did pursue. It was almost as if they truy started to live their lives and fashion our home around the kids. Not having any other frame of reference, I just thought that was the way all families were run. It wasn't until I entered grade school and invariably did the comparisons all kids did that I began to realize how special (and spoiled) my sister's and my own situation truly was.
My Dad took on all tasks with a zeal and enthusiasm that never diminished as he got older. I was continually impressed with his work ethic as he proceeded through the ages of 70 and into his mid 80's.
One of the things that I believe I most admired about my father was the child-like exuberance he brought to life. The fact he enjoyed being busy is likely the reason I have the work ethic I do. I know that I learned how to interact and maintain relationships (outside of the family) from him. I remember his affinity for the “barter system” was actually something I came to admire. He would bring coffee to the mechanic he used (even if we weren't currently in need of any of the services he could provide). He thought it a matter of course to ask electricians and carpenters their opinion (without them being involved in the project and at no cost) and he would get answers and sometimes effort because he recommended their service to friends in other instances or he mowed their mom’s lawn and he would bring them donuts or vegetables as a means to barter for services. He innately could assess someone in any social situation and often strike up a conversation with a complete stranger on a moments notice without any degree of shame or degree of discomfort because he viewed this as the normal course of events in dealing with the his fellow man.
I learned how to be a dad because of the ways I was treated and the ways that he conducted himself through the years. I could never (even when he was living) begin to pay back that debt regardless of how much I felt I needed to.
Once I became an adult, our relationship changed as all kids' relationships change with their parents as time went on. We had some bumps in the road but, I never lost my respect for Dad or my marveling on what he accomplished in those years on a daily basis.
I had the good fortune of having a wonderful dad as a role model. He spent his entire life as a farmer (even though it wasn't always the means he used to make a living, it was the means he used to make a life). He worked the land, produced vegetables, harvested stored them and assisted Mom with the canning and preparation of food stores. That was what he did, that was who he was.
Circumstances prevented him from staying on the family farm into his 30's. He and Mom moved south from their familial hometown to a small village about 100 miles away. My mom took a job outside the home as a book keeper for a local car dealership and Dad began working on a farm owned by another person for the first time in his life (as a hired man). They lived there for about five years and saved their money to eventually buy their first (and only) home in the mid 1950's in another small town about 300 miles from their original hometown.
They took jobs at a state facility which enabled them to settle in to this community that was pretty much built around the presence of two state facilities (one a psychiatric center and one for the developmentally disabled). Again, my dad managed to get a job working on a farm that was situated on one of the state facilities.
Unfortunately, the farm portion of the facility was closed up soon after he had made the transition and then took a position as a therapy aide in the facility and began working caring for the psychiatric patients that were housed in that hospital. It was the first job that he ever had (now into his 40's) that wasn't related to working on a farm.
It shouldn't have been a big surprise that he began a vegetable garden on the property he built his home. That garden grew in the span of the ensuing five years to be about 1/2 acre that cared for throughout the following forty years.
He became my dad in 1959 when he turned 40 years old. The changes that obviously had to take place with the appearance of myself and my sister 20 months later in my parent's marriage were significant. They opted to alter their work habits as my dad took the responsibility of working the midnight shift while my mom worked during the day in the business office at the psychiatric center. It was in this manner that they were able to assure that my sister and I would never be left in the charge of a baby sister (and we never were). This was a huge sacrifice that neither my sister or myself could really fathom or appreciate fully until we became adults (and parents) ourselves.
That sacrifice was only the beginning. They were always engaged in what we were doing, what we wanted to do and were always there when we wanted or needed guidance or loving. Both of my folks were very family oriented. We were a very close knit family not only within our nuclear family but, also with regards to our extended family that my folks left in the "north country" of NY (their original home town area).
My dad taught me mostly by example. He never put any pressure on me to pursue any specific direction and was always interested in the things that I did pursue. It was almost as if they truy started to live their lives and fashion our home around the kids. Not having any other frame of reference, I just thought that was the way all families were run. It wasn't until I entered grade school and invariably did the comparisons all kids did that I began to realize how special (and spoiled) my sister's and my own situation truly was.
My Dad took on all tasks with a zeal and enthusiasm that never diminished as he got older. I was continually impressed with his work ethic as he proceeded through the ages of 70 and into his mid 80's.
One of the things that I believe I most admired about my father was the child-like exuberance he brought to life. The fact he enjoyed being busy is likely the reason I have the work ethic I do. I know that I learned how to interact and maintain relationships (outside of the family) from him. I remember his affinity for the “barter system” was actually something I came to admire. He would bring coffee to the mechanic he used (even if we weren't currently in need of any of the services he could provide). He thought it a matter of course to ask electricians and carpenters their opinion (without them being involved in the project and at no cost) and he would get answers and sometimes effort because he recommended their service to friends in other instances or he mowed their mom’s lawn and he would bring them donuts or vegetables as a means to barter for services. He innately could assess someone in any social situation and often strike up a conversation with a complete stranger on a moments notice without any degree of shame or degree of discomfort because he viewed this as the normal course of events in dealing with the his fellow man.
I learned how to be a dad because of the ways I was treated and the ways that he conducted himself through the years. I could never (even when he was living) begin to pay back that debt regardless of how much I felt I needed to.
Once I became an adult, our relationship changed as all kids' relationships change with their parents as time went on. We had some bumps in the road but, I never lost my respect for Dad or my marveling on what he accomplished in those years on a daily basis.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
American Dreaming - 1990's / Part I
At the cusp of the 1990’s decade, I was in the process of getting a divorce. I remember celebrating New Year’s Day 1990 with a few other couples and my soon to be ex-wife. We did a great job that evening of avoiding the “elephant in the room” and put on a very nicely false happy face for all in attendance.
That evening I think I drank a little too much which generally just puts me into a very quiet reflective mood. I don’t know if I spoke much to anyone that evening. I remember dancing with my wife and kissing her at midnight thinking that this is very likely the last of these kinds of events that I would ever by having with this group of people. I had already begun to fret about life “after the divorce”. Wondering what friends I would keep, what friends would be awkward in my presence and all the other changes that were looming large in my life.
Fortunately for me, I was lucky enough to get a job offer in the private sector that was approximately 100 miles away from my (then current) home. This afforded me the luxury of being a “weekend dad” while putting me into a different (more urban) environment where my career options were substantially better.
I entered into a role within the Information Technology function of a managed care firm as a data analyst. My job allowed me to develop some more computer skills and to play an ever more important role in a growing organization. With the dissolution of my marriage, I chose to focus on a career. I found that I had a lot more spare time on my hands now that there was no home really to “go home” to. My weekends were devoted to my son while the week was devoted to my job.
The 1990’s were noted for the advances in technology so my getting into IT at that point was very fortuitous. In the 1990’s the Internet would be developed (in two years 1992 by most accounts). By 1994, three million people were online which would increase to approximately 100 million people (worldwide) within the next four years.
It was in this decade that the US played an ever larger role in attempting to keep world peace. They did this in some cases alone but more often in alliances. The decade began with the US intervening in the Middle Eastern nation of Iraq. Sadam Husein invaded the nation of Kuwait which led to the US led intervention known as the “Gulf War”.
I remember having to explain to my son as I was watching the beginnings of the Gulf War invasion what the concept of war was and the reasons (as slim as they were) for why our government undertook that endeavor. His questions of innocent youth still conjure up some powerful emotions today when I think about the exchange.
After the thankfully brief Gulf War, the US attempted to oust General Adid to aid the starving children of Somalia. This effort was followed by an intervention in Haiti, Bosnia and in late 1999 the US joined NATO in conducting air strikes against Yugoslavia to assist in the massacres within Kosovo.
The decade brought the scourge of terrorism to US shores. In 1993 a bomb was detonated in the garage beneath the World Trade Center. In 1995, there was the shock of the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City.
There was the violence exhibited and tried within the O.J. Simpson trial, the violence in the ATF raid on the Branch Davidians, the violence exhibited by the riots in South Central LA which resulted after the acquittal of the cops purportedly involved in the Rodney King beatings.
The decade saw the end of the George Bush presidency (the first one…) and the re-emergence of the promise in Camelot envisioned by the election of Bill Clinton.
For me, it was the decade that found me realizing some goals in my life, developed a new career in which initially I lost a balance within career and home life. I found a new love that helped me regain that lost balance. Had some wonderful opportunities to build IT infrastructure in three cities while preparing a dot com company for life post Y2K.
---Jim
That evening I think I drank a little too much which generally just puts me into a very quiet reflective mood. I don’t know if I spoke much to anyone that evening. I remember dancing with my wife and kissing her at midnight thinking that this is very likely the last of these kinds of events that I would ever by having with this group of people. I had already begun to fret about life “after the divorce”. Wondering what friends I would keep, what friends would be awkward in my presence and all the other changes that were looming large in my life.
Fortunately for me, I was lucky enough to get a job offer in the private sector that was approximately 100 miles away from my (then current) home. This afforded me the luxury of being a “weekend dad” while putting me into a different (more urban) environment where my career options were substantially better.
I entered into a role within the Information Technology function of a managed care firm as a data analyst. My job allowed me to develop some more computer skills and to play an ever more important role in a growing organization. With the dissolution of my marriage, I chose to focus on a career. I found that I had a lot more spare time on my hands now that there was no home really to “go home” to. My weekends were devoted to my son while the week was devoted to my job.
The 1990’s were noted for the advances in technology so my getting into IT at that point was very fortuitous. In the 1990’s the Internet would be developed (in two years 1992 by most accounts). By 1994, three million people were online which would increase to approximately 100 million people (worldwide) within the next four years.
It was in this decade that the US played an ever larger role in attempting to keep world peace. They did this in some cases alone but more often in alliances. The decade began with the US intervening in the Middle Eastern nation of Iraq. Sadam Husein invaded the nation of Kuwait which led to the US led intervention known as the “Gulf War”.
I remember having to explain to my son as I was watching the beginnings of the Gulf War invasion what the concept of war was and the reasons (as slim as they were) for why our government undertook that endeavor. His questions of innocent youth still conjure up some powerful emotions today when I think about the exchange.
After the thankfully brief Gulf War, the US attempted to oust General Adid to aid the starving children of Somalia. This effort was followed by an intervention in Haiti, Bosnia and in late 1999 the US joined NATO in conducting air strikes against Yugoslavia to assist in the massacres within Kosovo.
The decade brought the scourge of terrorism to US shores. In 1993 a bomb was detonated in the garage beneath the World Trade Center. In 1995, there was the shock of the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City.
There was the violence exhibited and tried within the O.J. Simpson trial, the violence in the ATF raid on the Branch Davidians, the violence exhibited by the riots in South Central LA which resulted after the acquittal of the cops purportedly involved in the Rodney King beatings.
The decade saw the end of the George Bush presidency (the first one…) and the re-emergence of the promise in Camelot envisioned by the election of Bill Clinton.
For me, it was the decade that found me realizing some goals in my life, developed a new career in which initially I lost a balance within career and home life. I found a new love that helped me regain that lost balance. Had some wonderful opportunities to build IT infrastructure in three cities while preparing a dot com company for life post Y2K.
---Jim
Sunday, June 14, 2009
American Dreaming – 1983 – 1989 / Part III
One of the by-products of the “Me Decade” as a lot of sociologists wound up calling that era within American history was that there was a lot of new wealth seemingly generated through the recovery of the economy coupled with some interestingly self-serving practices within the stock market. The notion of leveraged buyouts, mega-mergers and hostile takeovers coupled with the emergence of technology within our corporate culture generated a lot of new millionaires and even some billionaires.
We had a war on drugs, a war on medical students in Granada (we really had to do something about all the students who were dangerously close to graduation) and towards the end of the decade began the path towards the first Gulf War.
Kermit found it difficult to be green, we went to the Muppet Movie with our special glasses, Grease 2 was not the one, Jaws was seen in 3-D and then four years later got its revenge, ET phoned home, The Star Wars trilogy ended (sort of) with the Jedi returning, we were introduced to Indiana Jones and Disco finally died while MTV destroyed all other music as we knew it. It was the decade of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters and video arcades. We suffered through bad fashion, Members Only jackets, Mohawk hair-dos, Hair bands and IROC camaros
Hospital costs began there dizzyingly spiral of ever rising costs, we lost a lot of great talent to AIDS and despite all the new wealth, unemployment rose and our national debt doubled in the first six years of Reagan’s presidency.
On the plus side we saw the first woman being given the nod as a Supreme Court justice, Jessie Jackson became the first black candidate for president, Geraldine Ferraro became the first female vice-presidential candidate and the Berlin Wall came down which seemed to signify that the cold war was finally over.
Those newly rich were the ones that put the stamp on this decade with binge buying and a “Shop ‘til you drop” attitude that permeated our cuture’s practices and thinking. It seems everyone’s favorite idea was to spend time at the mall and to acquire more and more material goods. The way folks were trained to “keep score” was to see who could acquire the most toys. In this way we could find out who really was winning and who was losing. I confess that I did get caught up in this ridiculousness. During my first marriage we schemed to pull of vacations we couldn’t afford, bought toys that we didn’t need. Camcorders, video games, talk shows and reality shows became part of our lives. We were constantly spending more than we earned and while fun, it eventually came home to roost.
My dreams of pursuing artistic or educational goals stalled during that decade as my focus became family, raising my son, keeping the wolf away from the front door and trying to make sense of a relationship that didn’t really work.
As the decade came to a close, I was wrestling with what to do with my life, how to care for my son as a potentially absentee dad, how I could seek out some career satisfaction and new challenges professionally and wanting to finally leave my home town area and perhaps see and do more as I was approached the age of 30.
---Jim
We had a war on drugs, a war on medical students in Granada (we really had to do something about all the students who were dangerously close to graduation) and towards the end of the decade began the path towards the first Gulf War.
Kermit found it difficult to be green, we went to the Muppet Movie with our special glasses, Grease 2 was not the one, Jaws was seen in 3-D and then four years later got its revenge, ET phoned home, The Star Wars trilogy ended (sort of) with the Jedi returning, we were introduced to Indiana Jones and Disco finally died while MTV destroyed all other music as we knew it. It was the decade of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters and video arcades. We suffered through bad fashion, Members Only jackets, Mohawk hair-dos, Hair bands and IROC camaros
Hospital costs began there dizzyingly spiral of ever rising costs, we lost a lot of great talent to AIDS and despite all the new wealth, unemployment rose and our national debt doubled in the first six years of Reagan’s presidency.
On the plus side we saw the first woman being given the nod as a Supreme Court justice, Jessie Jackson became the first black candidate for president, Geraldine Ferraro became the first female vice-presidential candidate and the Berlin Wall came down which seemed to signify that the cold war was finally over.
Those newly rich were the ones that put the stamp on this decade with binge buying and a “Shop ‘til you drop” attitude that permeated our cuture’s practices and thinking. It seems everyone’s favorite idea was to spend time at the mall and to acquire more and more material goods. The way folks were trained to “keep score” was to see who could acquire the most toys. In this way we could find out who really was winning and who was losing. I confess that I did get caught up in this ridiculousness. During my first marriage we schemed to pull of vacations we couldn’t afford, bought toys that we didn’t need. Camcorders, video games, talk shows and reality shows became part of our lives. We were constantly spending more than we earned and while fun, it eventually came home to roost.
My dreams of pursuing artistic or educational goals stalled during that decade as my focus became family, raising my son, keeping the wolf away from the front door and trying to make sense of a relationship that didn’t really work.
As the decade came to a close, I was wrestling with what to do with my life, how to care for my son as a potentially absentee dad, how I could seek out some career satisfaction and new challenges professionally and wanting to finally leave my home town area and perhaps see and do more as I was approached the age of 30.
---Jim
Friday, June 12, 2009
American Dreaming - 1983 through 1989 / Part II
I didn’t mean to imply that the previous six years were totally without merit. I did manage to move between several different positions within my stint as a civil servant. I moved on from my bout with the food service position to garnering a wonderfully brief position in the enviable role as a boiler room helper (what fun…NOT).
I only lasted about three months in this job as I was constantly fearful that I would be damaging my hearing. It was fascinating to me that folks who had survived for many years in this environment adjusted to the constant din that was created by the machinery and boilers that were operating 24/7. I wound up constantly going “What? Come again? I can’t hear you?
It wasn’t the din that sealed my fate in that position but rather I found out a rather useful element about myself. One of the tasks that a boiler room helper could count on was an assignment to paint the exhaust pipes on the top of the boilers a different color every month. It’s not that the pipes needed painting every month… In fact, I would almost submit that since no one really paid any attention to pipes except to make sure they were functional, the color was entirely useless. It was more a tasks to keep us busy (I guess). In order to paint these pipes we were asked to climb out onto the pipes which hung in some places 150 – 175 ft. above a cement floor. There were no scaffolds or safety cables involved with this job. I found out that I had a substantial fear of heights. After suffering through this assignment for three months running, I quit.
I eventually rejoined the ranks of civil service when I managed to successfully garner a position as a truck / bus driver. I managed to garner the requisite licenses within a short period of time. I actually found that I enjoyed this job for the first few years. I enjoyed the freedom that existed when I was assigned long trips as assignments. I much more enjoyed hauling goods and materials rather than driving a bus (and subsequently hauling people).
The first few years as a driver were a fun time.. I managed to go and see some places that I probably would never had taken the time or money to visit. The novelty soon wore off and the driving began to take its toll. I got extremely bored with a lot of the assignments and for the most part the routine lost all of its appeal after my son was born. I didn’t like spending any extended time away from my family (and neither did my wife).
My marriage began to spiral downhill rapidly as the pressures of parenthood began to set in. My wife didn’t like “being stuck at home” and so when I came home, she would leave. She didn’t go back to work even after my son began going to school which as the bills starting pressing in, caused me to seek a second job while still attending school part time in the evening.
We grew apart and our tendency to pursue very different paths that subsequently provided little time together sunk the relationship. I remember the day that I was summarily told by my spouse “I wish you would just move out”…. The statement really shouldn’t have been a surprise but, I was still pretty crushed by the dissolution of my marriage.
The toughest thing that I think I’ve ever had to do was attempt to explain to my kid why Daddy wasn’t going to live in the same house as his mom and him. We managed to get through it and to our credit I think we did a pretty good job with being honest to our son and helping him through that difficult transition.
So, I managed to get through my first marriage, I became a proud parent of a wonderful kid, I learned quite a few lessons about what I was good at and also what I had little or no love or interest in. I would chalk up the latter 2/3 portion of the decade as a learning experience. My moving out was really pretty much a re-birth of sorts.
---Jim
I only lasted about three months in this job as I was constantly fearful that I would be damaging my hearing. It was fascinating to me that folks who had survived for many years in this environment adjusted to the constant din that was created by the machinery and boilers that were operating 24/7. I wound up constantly going “What? Come again? I can’t hear you?
It wasn’t the din that sealed my fate in that position but rather I found out a rather useful element about myself. One of the tasks that a boiler room helper could count on was an assignment to paint the exhaust pipes on the top of the boilers a different color every month. It’s not that the pipes needed painting every month… In fact, I would almost submit that since no one really paid any attention to pipes except to make sure they were functional, the color was entirely useless. It was more a tasks to keep us busy (I guess). In order to paint these pipes we were asked to climb out onto the pipes which hung in some places 150 – 175 ft. above a cement floor. There were no scaffolds or safety cables involved with this job. I found out that I had a substantial fear of heights. After suffering through this assignment for three months running, I quit.
I eventually rejoined the ranks of civil service when I managed to successfully garner a position as a truck / bus driver. I managed to garner the requisite licenses within a short period of time. I actually found that I enjoyed this job for the first few years. I enjoyed the freedom that existed when I was assigned long trips as assignments. I much more enjoyed hauling goods and materials rather than driving a bus (and subsequently hauling people).
The first few years as a driver were a fun time.. I managed to go and see some places that I probably would never had taken the time or money to visit. The novelty soon wore off and the driving began to take its toll. I got extremely bored with a lot of the assignments and for the most part the routine lost all of its appeal after my son was born. I didn’t like spending any extended time away from my family (and neither did my wife).
My marriage began to spiral downhill rapidly as the pressures of parenthood began to set in. My wife didn’t like “being stuck at home” and so when I came home, she would leave. She didn’t go back to work even after my son began going to school which as the bills starting pressing in, caused me to seek a second job while still attending school part time in the evening.
We grew apart and our tendency to pursue very different paths that subsequently provided little time together sunk the relationship. I remember the day that I was summarily told by my spouse “I wish you would just move out”…. The statement really shouldn’t have been a surprise but, I was still pretty crushed by the dissolution of my marriage.
The toughest thing that I think I’ve ever had to do was attempt to explain to my kid why Daddy wasn’t going to live in the same house as his mom and him. We managed to get through it and to our credit I think we did a pretty good job with being honest to our son and helping him through that difficult transition.
So, I managed to get through my first marriage, I became a proud parent of a wonderful kid, I learned quite a few lessons about what I was good at and also what I had little or no love or interest in. I would chalk up the latter 2/3 portion of the decade as a learning experience. My moving out was really pretty much a re-birth of sorts.
---Jim
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
American Dreaming - 1983 through 1989 / Part I
A lot of things go through your mind, when you are confronting the visage of death. The gentleman that I found dead in his car that evening had been an employee at the college for about 10 years. He had finished up his shift that night and made his way through the snow to his car, started the car then, apparently had a massive coronary. I saw the guy in passing a few times on campus, probably exchanged the usual pleasantries but I don’t even think I knew his name until I found him inert in his automobile.
Well, that pretty much soured me on the security guard job. I had that image in my mind for a more than a few weeks after that. I quit when I heard back from one of the civil service jobs I had applied for.
Onto the wonderful world of the food service industry…
Basically my next job consisted of following a “food cart” up onto the residential wards in this facility and doling out institutional food for the developmentally disabled residents that had the misfortune of becoming wards of the state. For the most part this was another mindless job but, it afforded me decent hours, I started my day around 5:00 in the morning and was home by 3:00 p.m. This, in turn, allowed me to continue my educational pursuits in the evening. It sounded like a plausible plan for the immediate future anyway.
It was during this time frame that a good friend of mine embarked on a little hitchhiking journey across the country. It was truthfully a little whimsical in its
“non-planned for conception” and a tad scary. Perhaps that is why I refused him when he invited me to come along. I thought about the offer and was very tempted by it but, it didn’t fit into what I was currently engaged in and I would have felt pretty guilty bagging on the commitments that I had only just begun to work on. It’s odd that sometimes, we don’t see the forks in the road that we are deciding between until long after the decision’s ramifications have played themselves out. I wouldn’t say that the trip changed my friend’s life or even that it had some material or spiritual benefit to him. I’m also not convinced that had I gone, it would have had any material effect on the path I would have chosen moving forward within my life. I only kick myself in retrospect because it seemed (to me) that this was just one more instance where I “played it safe”. I’m sure that, at a minimum, there would have been some great stories in it if we had taken the trip together.
Through this time, I continued to struggle with finding a direction or purpose to follow. The job’s work was meaningless to me but it was basically (again) a path of least resistance.
I also found myself falling into what would become a long-term relationship with a younger girl. In retrospect, this was another case of being somewhat scatterbrained in my youth. I didn’t seem capable of really planning and was all too willing to allow others to plan my way for me. That was, in essence, what this relationship was all about.
I let my soon-to-be betrothed pretty much run the show. It was fun and I cared about her deeply (as much as I cared about anything I think in those days). We were married within the next year and were parents within another year after that.
I moved from one civil service position to another over the course of the next couple of years. It was really more a show of “killing time” more so than developing any kind of career path. I pretty much allowed myself the luxury of letting time pass by and enjoyed a relatively calm five or six years.
The birth of my son was marvelous. I will never forget that night. He seemed so fragile and even though he was a pretty big baby (over 9 lbs when he was born) he gave us little trouble during his infant years. Life might not have been marvelous or carefree but we were pretty happy and content for a time.
During that time frame, I actually had myself convinced that I had some direction and purpose (I was a family man now…). I let all of my youthful aspiration wither (but not die0 for a time. I focused on family and took solace in that relatively safe environ. It was easy. Required little to no effort on my part. It afforded me a lot of what folks would have termed the American Dream. We were able to purchase a home (with help from her family) we managed to whether some fiscal crisis (with the help of her family and mine) but, despite the good fortune my wife and I basically grew apart instead of closer as the years trickled by.
I tried college a few more times (part-time) but couldn’t seem to gather a lot momentum towards any educational goals. I guess I lost my love for academic work. I needed a cause. I needed a reason to get up in the morning and pursue something larger than myself. It was only after the breakup of my marriage and all the heartache and uprooting that this change caused my family, my friends and myself that I found some focus.
---Jim
Well, that pretty much soured me on the security guard job. I had that image in my mind for a more than a few weeks after that. I quit when I heard back from one of the civil service jobs I had applied for.
Onto the wonderful world of the food service industry…
Basically my next job consisted of following a “food cart” up onto the residential wards in this facility and doling out institutional food for the developmentally disabled residents that had the misfortune of becoming wards of the state. For the most part this was another mindless job but, it afforded me decent hours, I started my day around 5:00 in the morning and was home by 3:00 p.m. This, in turn, allowed me to continue my educational pursuits in the evening. It sounded like a plausible plan for the immediate future anyway.
It was during this time frame that a good friend of mine embarked on a little hitchhiking journey across the country. It was truthfully a little whimsical in its
“non-planned for conception” and a tad scary. Perhaps that is why I refused him when he invited me to come along. I thought about the offer and was very tempted by it but, it didn’t fit into what I was currently engaged in and I would have felt pretty guilty bagging on the commitments that I had only just begun to work on. It’s odd that sometimes, we don’t see the forks in the road that we are deciding between until long after the decision’s ramifications have played themselves out. I wouldn’t say that the trip changed my friend’s life or even that it had some material or spiritual benefit to him. I’m also not convinced that had I gone, it would have had any material effect on the path I would have chosen moving forward within my life. I only kick myself in retrospect because it seemed (to me) that this was just one more instance where I “played it safe”. I’m sure that, at a minimum, there would have been some great stories in it if we had taken the trip together.
Through this time, I continued to struggle with finding a direction or purpose to follow. The job’s work was meaningless to me but it was basically (again) a path of least resistance.
I also found myself falling into what would become a long-term relationship with a younger girl. In retrospect, this was another case of being somewhat scatterbrained in my youth. I didn’t seem capable of really planning and was all too willing to allow others to plan my way for me. That was, in essence, what this relationship was all about.
I let my soon-to-be betrothed pretty much run the show. It was fun and I cared about her deeply (as much as I cared about anything I think in those days). We were married within the next year and were parents within another year after that.
I moved from one civil service position to another over the course of the next couple of years. It was really more a show of “killing time” more so than developing any kind of career path. I pretty much allowed myself the luxury of letting time pass by and enjoyed a relatively calm five or six years.
The birth of my son was marvelous. I will never forget that night. He seemed so fragile and even though he was a pretty big baby (over 9 lbs when he was born) he gave us little trouble during his infant years. Life might not have been marvelous or carefree but we were pretty happy and content for a time.
During that time frame, I actually had myself convinced that I had some direction and purpose (I was a family man now…). I let all of my youthful aspiration wither (but not die0 for a time. I focused on family and took solace in that relatively safe environ. It was easy. Required little to no effort on my part. It afforded me a lot of what folks would have termed the American Dream. We were able to purchase a home (with help from her family) we managed to whether some fiscal crisis (with the help of her family and mine) but, despite the good fortune my wife and I basically grew apart instead of closer as the years trickled by.
I tried college a few more times (part-time) but couldn’t seem to gather a lot momentum towards any educational goals. I guess I lost my love for academic work. I needed a cause. I needed a reason to get up in the morning and pursue something larger than myself. It was only after the breakup of my marriage and all the heartache and uprooting that this change caused my family, my friends and myself that I found some focus.
---Jim
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Silfa - chapter seven
As Benny yelled "Get the frack off me!" a gag was tied over his mouth, shoving the coarse cloth between his teeth. With two meaty hands holding each arm behind his back he was hustled stumbling down the alley and into a open area past the buildings. Suddenly the stink off old burlap was overpowered by the stench of raw sewage.
When the gag was untied and the sack pulled roughly from his head Benny found himself staring into an open cesspool. He was suspended by his arms twisted behind his back. On each side of him were two very large men with none too intelligent expression on their faces. Benny's toes barely clung to the gravel edge of the pit. He recognized the two men as belonging to Jeremiah's stable of thugs.
"what the hell are you doing? Does Jer know what yer about." Said an all too familiar voice behind him.
"Jer, thank the gods, a voice of reason, call off these oxen please."
The "oxen" exchanged a look and let their grips slip a little. A rock slid from under Benny's right foot and bounced down the side of the pit and plunked into the offal choked water.
"Aye, hang on there."
"Benny, Benny..." Jeremiah said shaking his head slowly. "Do you know what it would be like to drown down there in that filth? Disgusting. I only come to a place like this out of my concern for you."
"Uh, thanks for your concern." Benny turned his face away from the cesspool. "But I was doing fine until a few minutes ago."
"So maybe you think I should just let the matter drop right here." Jeremiah nodded at his men and they let Benny slip another couple of inches."
"No, no, lets talk this over like reasonable folk."
"Fine, I'm glad to hear you are going to be reasonable. Pull him up a bit boys."
The goons hoisted Benny back to almost vertical while twisting his arms farther behind his back.
"Now to my concern." Jeremiah signaled his men to turn Benny around to face him. Benny looked at the fat balding man. He looked more like some one's kindly uncle than a man who would drown you in shit for a bad debt. "When I accept a man's note of promise it is a matter of honor that I collect when the time is due. So, you have been avoiding me and I am here to collect my 5,000 pieces of aluminum. Do you have it?"
"Jer, you know those games are crooked. I didn't ave a chance."
Holding up a hand silenced Benny.
"It's Jeremiah, not Jer. No one forced you to bet the wheel and I'll take that as a no, you don't have my money."
Benny hung his head in silence, glancing sidelong at the cesspool.
"Well luckily for you I think I have a way to settle this to everyone's satisfaction. You do a little favor for me and you don't have to eat shit for your last meal."
"What favor do you need?" Benny asked hopefully. Thinking maybe a little larceny could get him out of this bind.
"I need Jack Poleaxe to disappear. I don't care how you do it but it has to be tonight between 9 and 11. My men and I will be in a public place in view of many respectable witnesses when it happens."
"Jack, the village sheriff?" He must be mad. Benny thought. "Sure no problem, I'll do it at 10:00 sharp."
"Good, I knew we could come to an agreement with the right motivation." To the goons, "Let him go."
Benny shrugged off their grip and headed back down the alley.
"Don't try to cross me Benny, this village is too small for you to hide... in fact this world is too small for you to hide me if I take it in my mind to kill you. And believe me, it won't be pleasant.
Never is. thought Benny.
After Benny turned the corner Jeremiah said "You two keep an eye on him. He was a little too quick to agree to my proposal."
The oxen grunted in agreement and moved off down the alley.
--- Jerry
When the gag was untied and the sack pulled roughly from his head Benny found himself staring into an open cesspool. He was suspended by his arms twisted behind his back. On each side of him were two very large men with none too intelligent expression on their faces. Benny's toes barely clung to the gravel edge of the pit. He recognized the two men as belonging to Jeremiah's stable of thugs.
"what the hell are you doing? Does Jer know what yer about." Said an all too familiar voice behind him.
"Jer, thank the gods, a voice of reason, call off these oxen please."
The "oxen" exchanged a look and let their grips slip a little. A rock slid from under Benny's right foot and bounced down the side of the pit and plunked into the offal choked water.
"Aye, hang on there."
"Benny, Benny..." Jeremiah said shaking his head slowly. "Do you know what it would be like to drown down there in that filth? Disgusting. I only come to a place like this out of my concern for you."
"Uh, thanks for your concern." Benny turned his face away from the cesspool. "But I was doing fine until a few minutes ago."
"So maybe you think I should just let the matter drop right here." Jeremiah nodded at his men and they let Benny slip another couple of inches."
"No, no, lets talk this over like reasonable folk."
"Fine, I'm glad to hear you are going to be reasonable. Pull him up a bit boys."
The goons hoisted Benny back to almost vertical while twisting his arms farther behind his back.
"Now to my concern." Jeremiah signaled his men to turn Benny around to face him. Benny looked at the fat balding man. He looked more like some one's kindly uncle than a man who would drown you in shit for a bad debt. "When I accept a man's note of promise it is a matter of honor that I collect when the time is due. So, you have been avoiding me and I am here to collect my 5,000 pieces of aluminum. Do you have it?"
"Jer, you know those games are crooked. I didn't ave a chance."
Holding up a hand silenced Benny.
"It's Jeremiah, not Jer. No one forced you to bet the wheel and I'll take that as a no, you don't have my money."
Benny hung his head in silence, glancing sidelong at the cesspool.
"Well luckily for you I think I have a way to settle this to everyone's satisfaction. You do a little favor for me and you don't have to eat shit for your last meal."
"What favor do you need?" Benny asked hopefully. Thinking maybe a little larceny could get him out of this bind.
"I need Jack Poleaxe to disappear. I don't care how you do it but it has to be tonight between 9 and 11. My men and I will be in a public place in view of many respectable witnesses when it happens."
"Jack, the village sheriff?" He must be mad. Benny thought. "Sure no problem, I'll do it at 10:00 sharp."
"Good, I knew we could come to an agreement with the right motivation." To the goons, "Let him go."
Benny shrugged off their grip and headed back down the alley.
"Don't try to cross me Benny, this village is too small for you to hide... in fact this world is too small for you to hide me if I take it in my mind to kill you. And believe me, it won't be pleasant.
Never is. thought Benny.
After Benny turned the corner Jeremiah said "You two keep an eye on him. He was a little too quick to agree to my proposal."
The oxen grunted in agreement and moved off down the alley.
--- Jerry
Monday, June 8, 2009
American Dreaming - 1983 / Part I
As 1983 got going, I found myself reassessing what my goals were. It’s important for anyone to occasionally reassess their possibilities and take stock of what dreams to chase and what goals to pursue. The early portion of 1983 was definitely that kind of period for me.
The whole country seemed to be in a period of renewal. The Reagan administration was now in full swing. There was no evidence of his “trickle down theory of economics having any real value but, despite that, the country’s economy did seem to be rebounding from the beating it took in the late 1970’s. There was a sense of optimism that seemed to be pervasive in all activities.
My options as I saw them were:
1. I could pursue college again (that was appealing as I still had some academic aspirations) but to do so would probably mean a return to my parent’s abode (not so appealing).
2. I could attempt another bout with Corporate America. I had some certified experience now and this might be a good next step until I figure out really what direction I wanted to pursue
3. I could pretty much just pull up roots and do some traveling. I had always loved traveling. I could barely sleep anytime I knew I was about to be take even a short weekend trip. The appeal here was obvious but, the problem was that I didn’t have a lot of do, re, mi laying around so, this also looked a tad scary.
I decided to look for the job because that was a decision that really didn’t negate either the dream of more education or the dream of doing some traveling at some point. It was basically a stall technique.
I applied for a couple of entry-level positions within the two state government run facilities that were local. One was a facility for the Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities and the other was a psychiatric hospital. I applied for a position within food service and the other position I sought was within the motor pool as a driver. I had no experience in either job but I scored well in the civil service exams.
While applying for those two positions, I also looked into taking some evening classes at the local community college. I was already familiar with the college as I had been killing time there as a security guard on campus for the first two months of the year. It was a relatively easy position that I was rapidly losing interest in. I needed a full time job in order to maintain the apartment and not fall any further into debt.
One night around the middle of February, I was enjoying some quiet time at the community college on a weekend night shift. It was around 10 degrees outside with a not so nice brisk twenty-mile an hour wind that pretty much assured that there wasn’t going to be much foot traffic tooling around the campus that evening. I bundled up and trudged out into the snow to get some air.
I was crossing the campus from the technology center towards the sports complex when I noticed a vehicle in one of the outlying parking lots that was idling with no lights on (either interior or external). I made a mental note of that and proceeded towards the gate on the edge of the campus as this was at least something we were supposed to check on once every shift.
As I got closer I became a little more curious about the running vehicle. There truly didn’t seem to be any movement within the car (so my first thoughts of a carnal rendezvous were seemingly dispelled) so I opted to take a slightly different return path that brought me within a dozen yards or so of the position of the vehicle in the parking lot. If there were any occupants within the car, they might not view me as I was passing to the rear of the vehicle.
The crisp newly fallen snow was a tad crunchy as I proceeded to appease my curiosity and walked up to the driver’s side of the vehicle and rapped on the window. The light was poor but I could finally make out that there was a person sitting behind the wheel reclined slightly. The person didn’t respond to my first knocks on the window so I added a second try and for the first time that evening I used my voice and yelled “Hey, are you all right in there?”
After several minutes of this, I began to get really concerned and radioed back to the security office that I had a vehicle that was running and an occupant who didn’t appear to be responsive to my attempts at communication.
The night shift supervisor opted to send one of the other guards down in the car with a slim jim (a device that we sometimes had to use to open cars when the drivers had locked their keys in the car). I became more concerned as the occupant in the vehicle continued to sit unmoving in a semi reclined position in the front bench seat.
My fellow security guard arrived with the slim jim and we attempted to open the door. It took a couple of attempts but, we eventually felt the lock give way and we opened the door. At that point, it was pretty obvious that we had a serious condition on our hands. The young man appeared to be grey even in the dim light of the street lamps.
We radioed back to the office (again) and requested an ambulance to come post haste.
Unfortunately, the driver was pronounced dead (on arrival) at the local hospital. It was then I had to write up several copies of the accounts of the evening for the college’s records, and speak with the city cops for their records. My normal 8 hour shift wound up being a bit more like a 16 hour shift by the time everyone had heard my story and questioned me on all relevant aspects of the accounting.
At the end of this ordeal, I was finally allowed to head home.
---Jim
The whole country seemed to be in a period of renewal. The Reagan administration was now in full swing. There was no evidence of his “trickle down theory of economics having any real value but, despite that, the country’s economy did seem to be rebounding from the beating it took in the late 1970’s. There was a sense of optimism that seemed to be pervasive in all activities.
My options as I saw them were:
1. I could pursue college again (that was appealing as I still had some academic aspirations) but to do so would probably mean a return to my parent’s abode (not so appealing).
2. I could attempt another bout with Corporate America. I had some certified experience now and this might be a good next step until I figure out really what direction I wanted to pursue
3. I could pretty much just pull up roots and do some traveling. I had always loved traveling. I could barely sleep anytime I knew I was about to be take even a short weekend trip. The appeal here was obvious but, the problem was that I didn’t have a lot of do, re, mi laying around so, this also looked a tad scary.
I decided to look for the job because that was a decision that really didn’t negate either the dream of more education or the dream of doing some traveling at some point. It was basically a stall technique.
I applied for a couple of entry-level positions within the two state government run facilities that were local. One was a facility for the Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities and the other was a psychiatric hospital. I applied for a position within food service and the other position I sought was within the motor pool as a driver. I had no experience in either job but I scored well in the civil service exams.
While applying for those two positions, I also looked into taking some evening classes at the local community college. I was already familiar with the college as I had been killing time there as a security guard on campus for the first two months of the year. It was a relatively easy position that I was rapidly losing interest in. I needed a full time job in order to maintain the apartment and not fall any further into debt.
One night around the middle of February, I was enjoying some quiet time at the community college on a weekend night shift. It was around 10 degrees outside with a not so nice brisk twenty-mile an hour wind that pretty much assured that there wasn’t going to be much foot traffic tooling around the campus that evening. I bundled up and trudged out into the snow to get some air.
I was crossing the campus from the technology center towards the sports complex when I noticed a vehicle in one of the outlying parking lots that was idling with no lights on (either interior or external). I made a mental note of that and proceeded towards the gate on the edge of the campus as this was at least something we were supposed to check on once every shift.
As I got closer I became a little more curious about the running vehicle. There truly didn’t seem to be any movement within the car (so my first thoughts of a carnal rendezvous were seemingly dispelled) so I opted to take a slightly different return path that brought me within a dozen yards or so of the position of the vehicle in the parking lot. If there were any occupants within the car, they might not view me as I was passing to the rear of the vehicle.
The crisp newly fallen snow was a tad crunchy as I proceeded to appease my curiosity and walked up to the driver’s side of the vehicle and rapped on the window. The light was poor but I could finally make out that there was a person sitting behind the wheel reclined slightly. The person didn’t respond to my first knocks on the window so I added a second try and for the first time that evening I used my voice and yelled “Hey, are you all right in there?”
After several minutes of this, I began to get really concerned and radioed back to the security office that I had a vehicle that was running and an occupant who didn’t appear to be responsive to my attempts at communication.
The night shift supervisor opted to send one of the other guards down in the car with a slim jim (a device that we sometimes had to use to open cars when the drivers had locked their keys in the car). I became more concerned as the occupant in the vehicle continued to sit unmoving in a semi reclined position in the front bench seat.
My fellow security guard arrived with the slim jim and we attempted to open the door. It took a couple of attempts but, we eventually felt the lock give way and we opened the door. At that point, it was pretty obvious that we had a serious condition on our hands. The young man appeared to be grey even in the dim light of the street lamps.
We radioed back to the office (again) and requested an ambulance to come post haste.
Unfortunately, the driver was pronounced dead (on arrival) at the local hospital. It was then I had to write up several copies of the accounts of the evening for the college’s records, and speak with the city cops for their records. My normal 8 hour shift wound up being a bit more like a 16 hour shift by the time everyone had heard my story and questioned me on all relevant aspects of the accounting.
At the end of this ordeal, I was finally allowed to head home.
---Jim
Saturday, June 6, 2009
American Dreaming - 1982 / Part V
Well, the last six months of 1982 was a lot of fun. I split time between work, home (in this case that was somewhat of a nebulous term… my parent’s house) and Jody’s townhouse at the edge of the city.
My relationship with Jody grew serious in a fairly short time frame. I was astounded that a woman as smart, pretty and seemingly savvy in the world of business (and relationships) would find me as appealing as she seemed to.
We were discreet at first. I would come into work and spend time attending to my stated duties as a senior mail clerk (I made senior mail clerk rather quickly in this company… for some reason…) and then I would take my break and meet Jody either in her board room meeting area or in her office behind locked door. We were able to avoid the rumor mill within that corporate office for about the first two months.
We were kind of “outed” by an overzealous moment when we found ourselves alone in one of the demonstration labs… We kind of forgot about the security cameras. I still believe it was the security staff that started the rumor (well, fact in this instance). Our relationship soon became public knowledge. Jody then had some tough questions involving ethics and the like within her position at the board meetings.
She eventually broke it off when the questioning became too heated. It was a bit disappointing but, I understood and I don’t know whether we really had moved on from the initial physical attraction stage but, I was pretty sorry about the way our relationship eventually came to an end.
I left IDM shortly after the holidays in January of 1983. It seemed best to leave rather than contend with the moniker of being a “kept man” in the corporation and an embarrassment to someone who I still cared for.
I took a position within the local community college because I kind of got used to hanging around smarter people and that seemed to be the best venue locally that I could reasonably pull that off.
I had saved enough money from the IDM job to get an apartment in the city. I furnished it with the usual bachelor pad essentials… a refrigerator full of pizza and beer, a cool stereo system featuring a couple of 6 ft. speakers and a large sub-woofer, an interesting collection of bean bag chairs, air cushions and a king size water bed. I was also able to set myself up with a late model Volkswagen bug for mobility.
After the breakup, I was forced to seek out solace in some of my old haunts but it certainly didn’t seem the same. Much of the same “old crowd” was there. It seems perhaps that I had changed some after my recent experiences. I was looking for something that I couldn’t pin point or vocalize.
Next: 1983 - A new beginning
---Jim
My relationship with Jody grew serious in a fairly short time frame. I was astounded that a woman as smart, pretty and seemingly savvy in the world of business (and relationships) would find me as appealing as she seemed to.
We were discreet at first. I would come into work and spend time attending to my stated duties as a senior mail clerk (I made senior mail clerk rather quickly in this company… for some reason…) and then I would take my break and meet Jody either in her board room meeting area or in her office behind locked door. We were able to avoid the rumor mill within that corporate office for about the first two months.
We were kind of “outed” by an overzealous moment when we found ourselves alone in one of the demonstration labs… We kind of forgot about the security cameras. I still believe it was the security staff that started the rumor (well, fact in this instance). Our relationship soon became public knowledge. Jody then had some tough questions involving ethics and the like within her position at the board meetings.
She eventually broke it off when the questioning became too heated. It was a bit disappointing but, I understood and I don’t know whether we really had moved on from the initial physical attraction stage but, I was pretty sorry about the way our relationship eventually came to an end.
I left IDM shortly after the holidays in January of 1983. It seemed best to leave rather than contend with the moniker of being a “kept man” in the corporation and an embarrassment to someone who I still cared for.
I took a position within the local community college because I kind of got used to hanging around smarter people and that seemed to be the best venue locally that I could reasonably pull that off.
I had saved enough money from the IDM job to get an apartment in the city. I furnished it with the usual bachelor pad essentials… a refrigerator full of pizza and beer, a cool stereo system featuring a couple of 6 ft. speakers and a large sub-woofer, an interesting collection of bean bag chairs, air cushions and a king size water bed. I was also able to set myself up with a late model Volkswagen bug for mobility.
After the breakup, I was forced to seek out solace in some of my old haunts but it certainly didn’t seem the same. Much of the same “old crowd” was there. It seems perhaps that I had changed some after my recent experiences. I was looking for something that I couldn’t pin point or vocalize.
Next: 1983 - A new beginning
---Jim
Friday, June 5, 2009
Silfa - chapter six
At the exact moment that Benny was being disappeared into an alley, Bob was splashing cold river water on his face, washing away the remains of his breakfast. Now fed and washed he sat back on a sunny rock and looked at the river.
(Past feeds the future. Always flowing. God sees it all, the whole stream of time. Everything. God, I am such a fool. What am I doing here? I'll never go back so where now?)
A magpie in a juniper tree caws loudly.
"Are you trying to tell me where I'm supposed to go? Because your language is beyond my comprehension my brother."
(Caution; coffin?)
"Be careful or die?"
No answer from the bird just a flurry of feathers and it was quickly across the river.
(Alone again, naturally. A river can't turn back on itself so I guess I have to keep moving forward. A river always ends in the ocean but where will my ocean be? Amusement in her eyes. The smirk on Lindick's face. A good time was had by all.)
Bob, rose and strode of into the woods away from the river, away from Indreel, away from everything that represented his past life. After fifteen minutes of crashing through underbrush and snapping off branches that were in his path. He stops.
(Not this again. Think. I need answers. I need to know what I should do. How can I get her back and wipe that smirk off his face. Why do I care. Am I an idiot.)
Movement in the underbrush catches Bob's attention. A turtle crawls over a log and slowly moves down a trail that angled away from Bob toward the northeast.
(Steady does it. That turtle seems to know where he's going... Silfa! That's who I have to find. One wish is all I need. At least I will be far from here. Let's see, they say he lives in the valley of fantastics, beyond the mountains of far crags. To the north and east of map's edge. The easiest traveling will be to stick close to the prairie as long as possible but I'll need to carry water with me, maybe dry some fish. If I catch a boar or a deer I could use it's stomach as a water skin.)
Bob turned back towards the river and retraced his steps. So deep in thoughts of his preparations and route ahead that he didn't notice anything amiss until suddenly a large figure crashed through the brush and into him pinning him to the ground.
--- Jerry
(Past feeds the future. Always flowing. God sees it all, the whole stream of time. Everything. God, I am such a fool. What am I doing here? I'll never go back so where now?)
A magpie in a juniper tree caws loudly.
"Are you trying to tell me where I'm supposed to go? Because your language is beyond my comprehension my brother."
(Caution; coffin?)
"Be careful or die?"
No answer from the bird just a flurry of feathers and it was quickly across the river.
(Alone again, naturally. A river can't turn back on itself so I guess I have to keep moving forward. A river always ends in the ocean but where will my ocean be? Amusement in her eyes. The smirk on Lindick's face. A good time was had by all.)
Bob, rose and strode of into the woods away from the river, away from Indreel, away from everything that represented his past life. After fifteen minutes of crashing through underbrush and snapping off branches that were in his path. He stops.
(Not this again. Think. I need answers. I need to know what I should do. How can I get her back and wipe that smirk off his face. Why do I care. Am I an idiot.)
Movement in the underbrush catches Bob's attention. A turtle crawls over a log and slowly moves down a trail that angled away from Bob toward the northeast.
(Steady does it. That turtle seems to know where he's going... Silfa! That's who I have to find. One wish is all I need. At least I will be far from here. Let's see, they say he lives in the valley of fantastics, beyond the mountains of far crags. To the north and east of map's edge. The easiest traveling will be to stick close to the prairie as long as possible but I'll need to carry water with me, maybe dry some fish. If I catch a boar or a deer I could use it's stomach as a water skin.)
Bob turned back towards the river and retraced his steps. So deep in thoughts of his preparations and route ahead that he didn't notice anything amiss until suddenly a large figure crashed through the brush and into him pinning him to the ground.
--- Jerry
Thursday, June 4, 2009
American Dreaming - 1982 / Part IV
We left the bar and got into her limo. I had to wonder about why the young lady was riding the bus this morning and a limo this evening but I’m not asking any more questions today. It seems best that I just ride this wave of fantastic luck to whatever end it provides.
As I gave the driver my address, the thought crossed my mind that I might very well be passing up a golden opportunity to get better acquainted with this wonderfully generous woman who twice in the same day has saved my bacon.
I again decided to let the karma in the evening prevail and settled back into my seat to enjoy this wonderful serendipitous ride back to my humble abode.
“So, Jim… How old are you? I have to ask since you stated earlier that you lived with your parents still.”
“Oh (sheepishly, I made a mental note to chastise myself later)… I’m 23. I moved out briefly when I was going to school down on Long Island but, I moved back after that didn’t pan out.”
“I see”
“Where did you go to school?”
“I went to SUNY Stonybrook but, didn’t last a whole semester. In retrospect that was probably a… mistake. How about you?”
“I attended many schools… graduated from the Harvard Business School back in 1979. Seems it was always assumed that I would someday play some part in the “family business”. I just hadn’t counted on that happening quite this quickly.”
Gee… what a tough break I thought. First job out of college… chairperson of the board of a Fortune 500 company… everyone should have that dumb luck…
She then reached over to the wet bar in the back and pulled out a bottle of champagne… “So, do you feel like a nightcap?”… Damn, this lady just doesn’t stop… I noticed quickly the Dom Perignon label on the bottle.
“Are we celebrating something?” I naively asked.
“Nope, there are just some times that I feel like enjoying the perks within this job.”
And at that moment I’m thinking that there are some times when you just have to say to yourself “How much good luck can one person have a right to within one wonderful day?
”… Oh, what the heck…sure… sounds great…” Sounds like I’m going to have one hell of time making any kind of good impression at the job interview in 7 or so hours…
Well, the rest of the evening got a bit blurry and I’m going to adhere to my principles as a gentleman but I will reveal that:
1. We didn’t make it to my parent;s house that evening.
2. I didn’t go to the interview in the morning.
3. I got the job.
Glean from that what you will.
---Jim
As I gave the driver my address, the thought crossed my mind that I might very well be passing up a golden opportunity to get better acquainted with this wonderfully generous woman who twice in the same day has saved my bacon.
I again decided to let the karma in the evening prevail and settled back into my seat to enjoy this wonderful serendipitous ride back to my humble abode.
“So, Jim… How old are you? I have to ask since you stated earlier that you lived with your parents still.”
“Oh (sheepishly, I made a mental note to chastise myself later)… I’m 23. I moved out briefly when I was going to school down on Long Island but, I moved back after that didn’t pan out.”
“I see”
“Where did you go to school?”
“I went to SUNY Stonybrook but, didn’t last a whole semester. In retrospect that was probably a… mistake. How about you?”
“I attended many schools… graduated from the Harvard Business School back in 1979. Seems it was always assumed that I would someday play some part in the “family business”. I just hadn’t counted on that happening quite this quickly.”
Gee… what a tough break I thought. First job out of college… chairperson of the board of a Fortune 500 company… everyone should have that dumb luck…
She then reached over to the wet bar in the back and pulled out a bottle of champagne… “So, do you feel like a nightcap?”… Damn, this lady just doesn’t stop… I noticed quickly the Dom Perignon label on the bottle.
“Are we celebrating something?” I naively asked.
“Nope, there are just some times that I feel like enjoying the perks within this job.”
And at that moment I’m thinking that there are some times when you just have to say to yourself “How much good luck can one person have a right to within one wonderful day?
”… Oh, what the heck…sure… sounds great…” Sounds like I’m going to have one hell of time making any kind of good impression at the job interview in 7 or so hours…
Well, the rest of the evening got a bit blurry and I’m going to adhere to my principles as a gentleman but I will reveal that:
1. We didn’t make it to my parent;s house that evening.
2. I didn’t go to the interview in the morning.
3. I got the job.
Glean from that what you will.
---Jim
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Silfa - chapter five
Benny, walking across the square:
(Lamb smell, crisp, scented with rosemary. Melons big, heavy, and ripe. Marissa last night at the Lazy Fox Inn. Speak of the little devil.)
"Mar, how's it going?"
"How's it looking..."
She poses, hand on hip, blue eyes sparkling under chestnut hair.
(Yummy)
"Looking good from here."
(Smells of lemon and lavender, hair the color of dark brown and red painted on a black wall.)
"Say, ya haven't seen Bob this mornin' av ya?"
"Not seen but I heard he was in a big row with Lindick the limp stick at the Tailor place."
(Figures, new those two would butt heads sooner or later.)
"Ha! Ya got a sharp tongue in your head; that's one of the things I love about you."
"And You've got a soft one; that's one of the things I love about you."
Marissa winks and sticks out her tongue.
(Juicy and sweet. Still her smell on my fingers.)
"Ya weren't talking about my soft one last night."
Marissa laughs.
"Ah, get on with ya and find Bob; he's goin' ta be hurtin' bad."
"Lindick got the best of Bob in a fight? How many were there?"
"Not by hands but by words was he wounded."
"Yah, he was always too sensitive for 'is own good. See ya later darlin'?"
"You betch ya."
(That one has a heart of gold, indeed.)
Picking up his pace, Benny leaves the square and enters the side street heading Northwest.
(Stomach empty - want food, no time now. Gotta find Bob. Smells fading now. Tailor house just ahead and there's Lindick - Loitering at the scene o' the crime.)
Benny strides up to a house with a low stone wall around it and pale thin young man leaning against the wall.
"Hey Limpdick - what trouble you been up to besides holding up a wall."
"I got no trouble. It's your pal that has trouble facing up to reality."
"yeah, what reality is that? Knowing you I'll bet it's as dark and twisted as your soul."
"Not that it's any of your business but I caught him hanging around my Anemone window and we let him know how we felt about each other."
(What??!)
"Your Anemone? Since when?"
"Since we got engaged."
"To each other? I thought even she had better sense than that."
Lindick bristled and tried to look menacing.
"Why don't you just run along like your little friend did last night."
Benny stepped closer to Lindick, actually looking menacing. Lindick shrank back a step.
"Why don't ya go frack yerself ya flickless pring. I'll be back; I'm not done with you yet."
Benny glances up at Anemone's window and sees a flash of her face before the curtain falls back into place.
(Used to like that britzle before she started to string Bob along. Now she's gone and got engaged to that almost boy.)
Benny turns on his heel and stalks off quickly toward the village center.
(Prolly struck out into the world last night, the damned fool. Didn't want to be in the same village as those two. Can't blame him there but ya can't run away from yerself.)
Benny is almost to the square when two large rough hands grab his arm and yank him into an alley. Then total darkness.
--- Jerry
(Lamb smell, crisp, scented with rosemary. Melons big, heavy, and ripe. Marissa last night at the Lazy Fox Inn. Speak of the little devil.)
"Mar, how's it going?"
"How's it looking..."
She poses, hand on hip, blue eyes sparkling under chestnut hair.
(Yummy)
"Looking good from here."
(Smells of lemon and lavender, hair the color of dark brown and red painted on a black wall.)
"Say, ya haven't seen Bob this mornin' av ya?"
"Not seen but I heard he was in a big row with Lindick the limp stick at the Tailor place."
(Figures, new those two would butt heads sooner or later.)
"Ha! Ya got a sharp tongue in your head; that's one of the things I love about you."
"And You've got a soft one; that's one of the things I love about you."
Marissa winks and sticks out her tongue.
(Juicy and sweet. Still her smell on my fingers.)
"Ya weren't talking about my soft one last night."
Marissa laughs.
"Ah, get on with ya and find Bob; he's goin' ta be hurtin' bad."
"Lindick got the best of Bob in a fight? How many were there?"
"Not by hands but by words was he wounded."
"Yah, he was always too sensitive for 'is own good. See ya later darlin'?"
"You betch ya."
(That one has a heart of gold, indeed.)
Picking up his pace, Benny leaves the square and enters the side street heading Northwest.
(Stomach empty - want food, no time now. Gotta find Bob. Smells fading now. Tailor house just ahead and there's Lindick - Loitering at the scene o' the crime.)
Benny strides up to a house with a low stone wall around it and pale thin young man leaning against the wall.
"Hey Limpdick - what trouble you been up to besides holding up a wall."
"I got no trouble. It's your pal that has trouble facing up to reality."
"yeah, what reality is that? Knowing you I'll bet it's as dark and twisted as your soul."
"Not that it's any of your business but I caught him hanging around my Anemone window and we let him know how we felt about each other."
(What??!)
"Your Anemone? Since when?"
"Since we got engaged."
"To each other? I thought even she had better sense than that."
Lindick bristled and tried to look menacing.
"Why don't you just run along like your little friend did last night."
Benny stepped closer to Lindick, actually looking menacing. Lindick shrank back a step.
"Why don't ya go frack yerself ya flickless pring. I'll be back; I'm not done with you yet."
Benny glances up at Anemone's window and sees a flash of her face before the curtain falls back into place.
(Used to like that britzle before she started to string Bob along. Now she's gone and got engaged to that almost boy.)
Benny turns on his heel and stalks off quickly toward the village center.
(Prolly struck out into the world last night, the damned fool. Didn't want to be in the same village as those two. Can't blame him there but ya can't run away from yerself.)
Benny is almost to the square when two large rough hands grab his arm and yank him into an alley. Then total darkness.
--- Jerry
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
American Dreaming - 1982 / Part III
I completed the application, said goodbye to Celia and then left the HR office. As I made my way back across the entrance rotunda I looked around and tried to take in all the nuances. I was impressed by the placement of all the plush furniture and carpeting that was provided ostensibly for guests or casual visitors, it seemed to scream opulence. Whatever the heck they did here, they must be pretty good at it or at least charging a pretty penny for the attempt. I gave a little wave to the guard as I passed the checkpoint and made my way out into the morning sunshine.
I decided to nix the idea of going to the mall (after all, I did apply for a job which was the primary objective for that day) and instead, took the bus line back to my parent’s house. Upon arriving, I was informed that I had received a phone call from IDM. My first thought was that I was being put upon. They couldn’t possibly move that quickly. I perused the note that my sister handed me and then proceeded up to my room to return the call.
I was informed that they would like to conduct an interview tomorrow “if I was available”.
“Yeah, sure.” I said. “What time?”
“How does 9:00 a.m. sound?”
“I’ll be there”
There was a lot to do now. I needed to get some dress clothes together and perhaps borrow a tie from someone. I also wanted to do a little research on the company (I heard that this was typically a good idea). Prior to this, I had only worked in the food service industry at a local hospital and a grunt job in a local construction outfit. This looked like a “real job”….
I proceeded down to the local library to check out some research on the IDM corporation. It was there that I learned that they were the leading manufacturers of computing devices in the world. Their corporate headquarters was located downstate but they had a manufacturing plant in a nearby town and some offices (apparently the one I saw that day) scattered around the area performing various administration and research activities.
So, armed with this bit of info, (and the promise of a loan of a tie and suit jacket from my dad) I decided to celebrate a little and stopped off at a local bar to have a quick brew on my way home. This was, in retrospect, a potentially bad idea. My one beer, led to another, and then a couple of friends of mine showed up and they bought a few rounds and before I knew it, I was feeling little pain and the evening had pretty much flown by. Knowing that I wanted to dress to impress the next day, I started to figure out what would be the best method of getting myself back to my waiting bed.
I considered calling my Dad but that idea wasn’t real appealing. I asked around the bar of my small number of acquaintances to see when they were considering heading out. None of them looked like they would be leaving any time soon. That’s when I noticed a little blonde sitting at the bar. She looked vaguely familiar but, in my rather foggy state, I wasn’t sure where our paths might have crossed. I rifled through my memory looking for a clue when she noted that I was staring in her direction and motioned me to come over to that side of the room.
As I made my way across the bar, she got off the bar stool she was occupying and moved to a nearby table. I finally recognized, much to my surprise, where I knew her from (right about the time I was perhaps a couple of yards from the table). Jody. Her name was Jody. She was my benefactor from this morning. Cognizant (or as cognizant as I could muster under the present circumstances) of that notion coupled with the info that I had garnered from my visit in the HR office that morning, I made a mental note to thank the gods yet again for this wonderfully karmic good fortune. At least I thought it must be good fortune because who would have thought that a woman of her stature would be hanging out at what was generally considered a college bar.
“Hi…Jody wasn’t it…?” I stammered.
“Yes… I don’t believe I got your name earlier…”
“I’m … uh… James…uh … Jim, please”
“Okay Mr. Please…” She smiled. “How’d you make out with the application”
“Oh… um… They called me back today already… I have a … an interview tomorrow”. That’s it Jim, you sound just like a blithering idiot. Really charming … I hate myself…
“Good… I wish you luck”
“Oh, yeah… I want to thank you for … setting that … er, letting me know about the job opportunity”….
“No problem. Do you want a drink?”
“Ah, yeah okay… I’ll have a Pepsi.” Oh boy… Are you impressing this girl…
“A Pepsi? Okay.” She signaled to the waiter and ordered a scotch neat and a Pepsi for Mr. Smooth talking, socially stunted me….
After the drinks arrived, my babbling continued…
“I noticed your picture in the HR office… You hold a pretty important position in that company don’t you?”…
“Yes, I guess you could say so… I’m the youngest board member and the chairperson to boot. I have my Daddy to thank for that”
“Oh, is your Dad involved with the company?”
She smiled. I should have done more research in her and less on the company. We are talking about a mail room job after all…
She replied, “My dad was one of the founders of the company. He died last year and I inherited his place on the board. Because of my age, it hasn’t been an easy transition.”
“I see… I’m… sorry about your Dad”
“Thanks. I still miss him. I’m having some difficult times handling some of the other board members. I don’t know why I’m telling you this but, my position isn’t a great one despite appearances.”
“I think your appearance is pretty good from my perspective.”
“Oh… how so?”
“I meant… that I think… you look very pretty… even in this light…”
She just grinned… “I think your sweet… and a little drunk.”
Oh shoot I thought… what cold have possibly tipped that off…?
“I might be a tad tipsy but, I have to be getting home… I have an interview tomorrow morning.”
“Can I give you a lift?”
I’m thinking… the gods are smiling on me tonight…
“Oh, that would be great but, I’m not sure I should impose”
“Okay, suit yourself…” I have my limo out front…
Okay… I give in… somewhere along the line… I’ve sold my soul or something. I can’t believe I have this much luck… I hope I’m not wasting it all in one shot.
“Well, if you don’t mind… It would really help me out… again…”
I decided to nix the idea of going to the mall (after all, I did apply for a job which was the primary objective for that day) and instead, took the bus line back to my parent’s house. Upon arriving, I was informed that I had received a phone call from IDM. My first thought was that I was being put upon. They couldn’t possibly move that quickly. I perused the note that my sister handed me and then proceeded up to my room to return the call.
I was informed that they would like to conduct an interview tomorrow “if I was available”.
“Yeah, sure.” I said. “What time?”
“How does 9:00 a.m. sound?”
“I’ll be there”
There was a lot to do now. I needed to get some dress clothes together and perhaps borrow a tie from someone. I also wanted to do a little research on the company (I heard that this was typically a good idea). Prior to this, I had only worked in the food service industry at a local hospital and a grunt job in a local construction outfit. This looked like a “real job”….
I proceeded down to the local library to check out some research on the IDM corporation. It was there that I learned that they were the leading manufacturers of computing devices in the world. Their corporate headquarters was located downstate but they had a manufacturing plant in a nearby town and some offices (apparently the one I saw that day) scattered around the area performing various administration and research activities.
So, armed with this bit of info, (and the promise of a loan of a tie and suit jacket from my dad) I decided to celebrate a little and stopped off at a local bar to have a quick brew on my way home. This was, in retrospect, a potentially bad idea. My one beer, led to another, and then a couple of friends of mine showed up and they bought a few rounds and before I knew it, I was feeling little pain and the evening had pretty much flown by. Knowing that I wanted to dress to impress the next day, I started to figure out what would be the best method of getting myself back to my waiting bed.
I considered calling my Dad but that idea wasn’t real appealing. I asked around the bar of my small number of acquaintances to see when they were considering heading out. None of them looked like they would be leaving any time soon. That’s when I noticed a little blonde sitting at the bar. She looked vaguely familiar but, in my rather foggy state, I wasn’t sure where our paths might have crossed. I rifled through my memory looking for a clue when she noted that I was staring in her direction and motioned me to come over to that side of the room.
As I made my way across the bar, she got off the bar stool she was occupying and moved to a nearby table. I finally recognized, much to my surprise, where I knew her from (right about the time I was perhaps a couple of yards from the table). Jody. Her name was Jody. She was my benefactor from this morning. Cognizant (or as cognizant as I could muster under the present circumstances) of that notion coupled with the info that I had garnered from my visit in the HR office that morning, I made a mental note to thank the gods yet again for this wonderfully karmic good fortune. At least I thought it must be good fortune because who would have thought that a woman of her stature would be hanging out at what was generally considered a college bar.
“Hi…Jody wasn’t it…?” I stammered.
“Yes… I don’t believe I got your name earlier…”
“I’m … uh… James…uh … Jim, please”
“Okay Mr. Please…” She smiled. “How’d you make out with the application”
“Oh… um… They called me back today already… I have a … an interview tomorrow”. That’s it Jim, you sound just like a blithering idiot. Really charming … I hate myself…
“Good… I wish you luck”
“Oh, yeah… I want to thank you for … setting that … er, letting me know about the job opportunity”….
“No problem. Do you want a drink?”
“Ah, yeah okay… I’ll have a Pepsi.” Oh boy… Are you impressing this girl…
“A Pepsi? Okay.” She signaled to the waiter and ordered a scotch neat and a Pepsi for Mr. Smooth talking, socially stunted me….
After the drinks arrived, my babbling continued…
“I noticed your picture in the HR office… You hold a pretty important position in that company don’t you?”…
“Yes, I guess you could say so… I’m the youngest board member and the chairperson to boot. I have my Daddy to thank for that”
“Oh, is your Dad involved with the company?”
She smiled. I should have done more research in her and less on the company. We are talking about a mail room job after all…
She replied, “My dad was one of the founders of the company. He died last year and I inherited his place on the board. Because of my age, it hasn’t been an easy transition.”
“I see… I’m… sorry about your Dad”
“Thanks. I still miss him. I’m having some difficult times handling some of the other board members. I don’t know why I’m telling you this but, my position isn’t a great one despite appearances.”
“I think your appearance is pretty good from my perspective.”
“Oh… how so?”
“I meant… that I think… you look very pretty… even in this light…”
She just grinned… “I think your sweet… and a little drunk.”
Oh shoot I thought… what cold have possibly tipped that off…?
“I might be a tad tipsy but, I have to be getting home… I have an interview tomorrow morning.”
“Can I give you a lift?”
I’m thinking… the gods are smiling on me tonight…
“Oh, that would be great but, I’m not sure I should impose”
“Okay, suit yourself…” I have my limo out front…
Okay… I give in… somewhere along the line… I’ve sold my soul or something. I can’t believe I have this much luck… I hope I’m not wasting it all in one shot.
“Well, if you don’t mind… It would really help me out… again…”
Monday, June 1, 2009
Something completely different...
...and now for a word from our sponsor:
Life got you down,
you don't have to take it...
just take it.
Narcosom - the last pill you will ever need.
Friends who have died:
Billy the first,
best friends for years (from Ten years old to Thirteen maybe),
then I was too young I guess; tossed me for Timmy.
Later when he got cancer I didn't know what to do. We hadn't talked for some time (months, years?). Maybe he still didn't want me. Maybe it would be ghoulish - "now that you're dying, let's hang out." We used to draw cartoons together - now he got to fulfill a dream by going to Disney World and animating cartoons.
Make a wish... I wish I wasn't dying.
My heart was breaking at a friendship disrupted and never to be again. So I never climbed that hill. Just wwaited for the final news.
Then Karen,
I loved her because she was so sweet. Three houses away, she was closer as the crow flies. She was Billy's neighborhood girl the way Cindy was mine. Not real.
She always smiled and like Billy was much older than me (3 or 4 years). Pretty and smart she ended up with Steve Honor (no, really) smart handsome jock nice guy. Her school boyfriend.
We also hadn't talked for years when I heard she died of anorexia. She was always walking, everywhere, walking herself to death.
Next was Penny,
Another next door neighbor, down the hill this time. A little younger than me, she ended up gpoing to Pratt too. Another case of something unsaid changing everything. Most of what I've done I've done by not doing or saying something. I guess I love the stuble of thwarted potential, like a harvested cornfield. She died in a car accident involving a drunk driver, Her husband made a U turn on a divided for lane highway and the drunk slammed head first into Penny's passenger side door.
Then came Timmy,
He was the archetypal farm boy - Tall and built from throwing hay and loading manure. His father owned the hay mows that we played in, finding tunnels through the hay bales. Big handsome guy - until diabetes devastated him. He didn't even try. Drinking regular coke until ha passed out in a coma, often while driving. His teeth went and his good looks as he seemed to shrink and shrival up every time I say him. 'Till one day he was just gone.
Chester was special,
We were friends form 1st grade until 11th - With Chester I learned how inportant race was in some peoples eyes. I was taken aside by a teacher when I laughingly called him nigger and he called me nigger right back. I knew there were body parts and functions; and the name of Gods son that could not be taken in vain. But this was the first time I found a word stricktly bad for racial connotations.
Chester was beautiful and full of grace. When we all split up in pairs to run sprints Chester and I always ran against each other which really torqued off the coach because he new Chester wasn't even trying hard as he sailed away from me. I was very slow, and still am.
I remember holding a grudge for a month when Chester won a reading contest I coveted because he was allowed to count the entire bible, all those pages gave him an insurmountable lead. I dropped my grudge the day that the same teacher got all flustered and yelled at him when he said, after she asked, that he hadn't studied for the spelling test ha had just aced.
I remember Mr. Freeman saying in social studies class one day, he was also the football coach or, more accurately the football coach who also taught social studies, "I know for a fact that Chester is not gay." At the time I didn't know Chester was gay but I raised my hand and said "What difference does it make if he is gay."
Chester and I grew apart; we took different classes in high school, he took home ec while I took shop. He took cheer leading and I, well I chickened out of trying out for baseball.
years later I saw Chester in the Dover Grand Union. He looked really bad, like people had been beating him up for months. He had just come back from San Fransisco - he said to call his mother's house and we could get together. I never did. The last time i saw Chester was when I was hiking near the confluence of the Ten Mile and Housatonic rivers. He looked much better, really grown up. This time I suggested that we get together but nothing came of it. Soon after that I heard that he had died - the obituary said of cancer. His family was very religious.
The latest was Sandy Clapper,
She was Penny's mom. She was a second mother to me and when I found out she had cancer I wanted to figure out something we could do. I wanted to have her go to Sloan-Kettering for treatment but she stuck with our local doctors. When I heard she had died I was listening to the Pixes "This monkey's gone to heaven."
--- Jerry
Life got you down,
you don't have to take it...
just take it.
Narcosom - the last pill you will ever need.
Friends who have died:
Billy the first,
best friends for years (from Ten years old to Thirteen maybe),
then I was too young I guess; tossed me for Timmy.
Later when he got cancer I didn't know what to do. We hadn't talked for some time (months, years?). Maybe he still didn't want me. Maybe it would be ghoulish - "now that you're dying, let's hang out." We used to draw cartoons together - now he got to fulfill a dream by going to Disney World and animating cartoons.
Make a wish... I wish I wasn't dying.
My heart was breaking at a friendship disrupted and never to be again. So I never climbed that hill. Just wwaited for the final news.
Then Karen,
I loved her because she was so sweet. Three houses away, she was closer as the crow flies. She was Billy's neighborhood girl the way Cindy was mine. Not real.
She always smiled and like Billy was much older than me (3 or 4 years). Pretty and smart she ended up with Steve Honor (no, really) smart handsome jock nice guy. Her school boyfriend.
We also hadn't talked for years when I heard she died of anorexia. She was always walking, everywhere, walking herself to death.
Next was Penny,
Another next door neighbor, down the hill this time. A little younger than me, she ended up gpoing to Pratt too. Another case of something unsaid changing everything. Most of what I've done I've done by not doing or saying something. I guess I love the stuble of thwarted potential, like a harvested cornfield. She died in a car accident involving a drunk driver, Her husband made a U turn on a divided for lane highway and the drunk slammed head first into Penny's passenger side door.
Then came Timmy,
He was the archetypal farm boy - Tall and built from throwing hay and loading manure. His father owned the hay mows that we played in, finding tunnels through the hay bales. Big handsome guy - until diabetes devastated him. He didn't even try. Drinking regular coke until ha passed out in a coma, often while driving. His teeth went and his good looks as he seemed to shrink and shrival up every time I say him. 'Till one day he was just gone.
Chester was special,
We were friends form 1st grade until 11th - With Chester I learned how inportant race was in some peoples eyes. I was taken aside by a teacher when I laughingly called him nigger and he called me nigger right back. I knew there were body parts and functions; and the name of Gods son that could not be taken in vain. But this was the first time I found a word stricktly bad for racial connotations.
Chester was beautiful and full of grace. When we all split up in pairs to run sprints Chester and I always ran against each other which really torqued off the coach because he new Chester wasn't even trying hard as he sailed away from me. I was very slow, and still am.
I remember holding a grudge for a month when Chester won a reading contest I coveted because he was allowed to count the entire bible, all those pages gave him an insurmountable lead. I dropped my grudge the day that the same teacher got all flustered and yelled at him when he said, after she asked, that he hadn't studied for the spelling test ha had just aced.
I remember Mr. Freeman saying in social studies class one day, he was also the football coach or, more accurately the football coach who also taught social studies, "I know for a fact that Chester is not gay." At the time I didn't know Chester was gay but I raised my hand and said "What difference does it make if he is gay."
Chester and I grew apart; we took different classes in high school, he took home ec while I took shop. He took cheer leading and I, well I chickened out of trying out for baseball.
years later I saw Chester in the Dover Grand Union. He looked really bad, like people had been beating him up for months. He had just come back from San Fransisco - he said to call his mother's house and we could get together. I never did. The last time i saw Chester was when I was hiking near the confluence of the Ten Mile and Housatonic rivers. He looked much better, really grown up. This time I suggested that we get together but nothing came of it. Soon after that I heard that he had died - the obituary said of cancer. His family was very religious.
The latest was Sandy Clapper,
She was Penny's mom. She was a second mother to me and when I found out she had cancer I wanted to figure out something we could do. I wanted to have her go to Sloan-Kettering for treatment but she stuck with our local doctors. When I heard she had died I was listening to the Pixes "This monkey's gone to heaven."
--- Jerry
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