The snow is falling.
Rolling,
Tumbling,
Cold
and Wet.
It forms a blanket of white cement
The roads are under there…somewhere
The snow is falling.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Well - Part XXVII
Over the next couple of weeks, my daily routine was:
1. Arise, shower, shave, and prepare for the day.
2. Go to coffee shop, scan papers, make calls to prospective employers and send resumes.
3. Go home, take nap, await call that doesn’t come
4. Eat something.
5. Sleep more
6. Awake depressed, rinse and repeat
The interviews I did garner were lackluster to say the least. The opportunities didn’t interest me very much and I’m sure that came across in the interviews. I didn’t get any call backs and only one “second interview” (by phone) in that time frame.
I started to collect some unemployment checks and that was different hassle that I won’t go into much here but the money sure helped.
I maintained contact with both Cheryl and Jennifer during this time but, neither of them knew of my relationship with another. I felt more horrible about this as time went on. Jen was still being wonderful as far as letting me be as involved as I wanted to be. I wanted to help pay for the medical expenses that she was going to incur but the prerequisite for that was getting gainful employment.
Cheryl was recovering (according to her doctors). I still hadn’t seen her yet since the suicide attempt. I was told through her dad mostly that she was being kept pretty drugged up. I still longed to at least try and reconnect (again) although I had no idea where this relationship could really go. I guess I realized to a large extent this was going to have to hinge on her mental state improving.
The town had a ceremony honoring Cheryl’s brother and a special service on Veteran’s day a few weeks later. I attended out of respect and exchanged polite well wishes with the rest of her family attending the services. Cheryl, of course, was still sequestered in the hospital. Everyone tip toed around the subject of her brother’s death when in the company of Cheryl. So much so that I wasn’t sure how she was ever going to come to grips with the tragedy.
The approaching holidays were going to cause me to make some pretty interesting decisions. Jennifer asked what I was doing as did my sister and Cheryl’s dad. The decision was mine. I just didn’t know if I was going to cull a direction out of this decision or even if I had to.
1. Arise, shower, shave, and prepare for the day.
2. Go to coffee shop, scan papers, make calls to prospective employers and send resumes.
3. Go home, take nap, await call that doesn’t come
4. Eat something.
5. Sleep more
6. Awake depressed, rinse and repeat
The interviews I did garner were lackluster to say the least. The opportunities didn’t interest me very much and I’m sure that came across in the interviews. I didn’t get any call backs and only one “second interview” (by phone) in that time frame.
I started to collect some unemployment checks and that was different hassle that I won’t go into much here but the money sure helped.
I maintained contact with both Cheryl and Jennifer during this time but, neither of them knew of my relationship with another. I felt more horrible about this as time went on. Jen was still being wonderful as far as letting me be as involved as I wanted to be. I wanted to help pay for the medical expenses that she was going to incur but the prerequisite for that was getting gainful employment.
Cheryl was recovering (according to her doctors). I still hadn’t seen her yet since the suicide attempt. I was told through her dad mostly that she was being kept pretty drugged up. I still longed to at least try and reconnect (again) although I had no idea where this relationship could really go. I guess I realized to a large extent this was going to have to hinge on her mental state improving.
The town had a ceremony honoring Cheryl’s brother and a special service on Veteran’s day a few weeks later. I attended out of respect and exchanged polite well wishes with the rest of her family attending the services. Cheryl, of course, was still sequestered in the hospital. Everyone tip toed around the subject of her brother’s death when in the company of Cheryl. So much so that I wasn’t sure how she was ever going to come to grips with the tragedy.
The approaching holidays were going to cause me to make some pretty interesting decisions. Jennifer asked what I was doing as did my sister and Cheryl’s dad. The decision was mine. I just didn’t know if I was going to cull a direction out of this decision or even if I had to.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Well - Part XXVI
Sooner or later, every depression or pocket of trouble reaches a point where you are just sick of being depressed and commit yourself to some happiness (someway or anyhow..)
I hit that point the following Monday morning. I decided that it was probably a blessing that I was laid off of a job that was undoubtedly a “dead end” providing me with no real future. The timing wasn’t impeccable but these things never are.
I left the apartment that morning and decided to peruse the morning papers in a comfortable neighborhood coffee shop. I purchased the NY Times and the Post and started scanning the want ads. I also left notice back to my sister to save me some area papers in that city as well. I hadn’t quite decided where I was going to land here but wanted to take all avenues into consideration.
I checked in with Cheryl’s family and her condition appeared to be getting better. It seems that she will be spending some time under observation but she was responding well to the anti-depressants that they had prescribed to her. I told her Dad that I would definitely be back in the area the next weekend and would stop by.
Jennifer has been pretty great considering. We had a couple of conversations now and she basically is willing to let me be as involved in the parenting experience as I want to be. She wasn’t looking for any money right now (which was really good as I was pretty much in Dutch with all my creditors and the bank accounts were dwindling fast.
I have a lot of mixed emotions as to what I want out of the near term. My priorities seemed to be pretty clear. I needed to nail down some gainful employment. I needed to come clean with both Jennifer and (more importantly) with Cheryl.
Cheryl’s condition makes that a skittish situation to say the least. I was fearful given the small town environment, that word was going to get to her at some point through some other means. I didn’t want to wait too long but this was definitely going to be a tough subject to broach with her.
I talked over my monetary situation with my landlord and decided the easiest thing to do was to use the balance of my meager savings to break the lease. I couldn’t afford the apartment without a job. I had enough left to buy a storage facility in Danbury and began to plan migrating my belonging to storage until I could get my feet under me again. My sister agreed to let me bunk there for some time beginning the next month.
All that was left was to say goodbye to the few city friends I had. There were several powerful forces that were conspiring to place me back in my hometown area. I was of the mindset to accept this. There were more reasons to go home then there were to stay in the city.
I hit that point the following Monday morning. I decided that it was probably a blessing that I was laid off of a job that was undoubtedly a “dead end” providing me with no real future. The timing wasn’t impeccable but these things never are.
I left the apartment that morning and decided to peruse the morning papers in a comfortable neighborhood coffee shop. I purchased the NY Times and the Post and started scanning the want ads. I also left notice back to my sister to save me some area papers in that city as well. I hadn’t quite decided where I was going to land here but wanted to take all avenues into consideration.
I checked in with Cheryl’s family and her condition appeared to be getting better. It seems that she will be spending some time under observation but she was responding well to the anti-depressants that they had prescribed to her. I told her Dad that I would definitely be back in the area the next weekend and would stop by.
Jennifer has been pretty great considering. We had a couple of conversations now and she basically is willing to let me be as involved in the parenting experience as I want to be. She wasn’t looking for any money right now (which was really good as I was pretty much in Dutch with all my creditors and the bank accounts were dwindling fast.
I have a lot of mixed emotions as to what I want out of the near term. My priorities seemed to be pretty clear. I needed to nail down some gainful employment. I needed to come clean with both Jennifer and (more importantly) with Cheryl.
Cheryl’s condition makes that a skittish situation to say the least. I was fearful given the small town environment, that word was going to get to her at some point through some other means. I didn’t want to wait too long but this was definitely going to be a tough subject to broach with her.
I talked over my monetary situation with my landlord and decided the easiest thing to do was to use the balance of my meager savings to break the lease. I couldn’t afford the apartment without a job. I had enough left to buy a storage facility in Danbury and began to plan migrating my belonging to storage until I could get my feet under me again. My sister agreed to let me bunk there for some time beginning the next month.
All that was left was to say goodbye to the few city friends I had. There were several powerful forces that were conspiring to place me back in my hometown area. I was of the mindset to accept this. There were more reasons to go home then there were to stay in the city.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Well - Part XXV
Irony.
What a ridiculous mess I’ve made of my life with my actions. It felt, for a time, that I was finally getting my life in order. I had connected with someone. Really connected with someone. I cared for her and her for me. To top that off, this was almost a dream come true as the object of my affection was the first girl I ever remember being attracted to in high school.
I was infatuated with her for years and as my high school years began to fade in my memory, she reappeared in my life and we really did hit it off. I had met her family and had really become a part of her life. She was everything that I thought I was looking for in a woman.
Then… or actually just before then…
I did something that was totally out of character for me. I was in need for some companionship and had fallen into the arms of an angel of mercy for that one night. It was never intended to be anything more than two folks helping each other through a difficult night. I was supposed to be seeing my old high school sweetheart but, instead, I wound up with a sweet girl who took pity on me for that evening. Now, that evening is looking like it will change (did change) both of our lives forever.
I had no argument with Jennifer on wanting to have the baby. I had no idea (we just didn’t get a chance to talk through much of it) what that meant fully. We committed to speak again the next day. We decided to meet for lunch at the mall. A nice casual, non-threatening stage to discuss further what our immediate future plans might/should be.
In the meantime, the love of my life, was attempting to recover from a severe emotional blow with the death of her sibling. She was so disturbed, it appears, that she attempted suicide. Where does that leave me…?
This is beginning to sound like some obscenely protracted soap opera. “As the stomach turns…” Geez.
Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, I got the phone call that I was being laid off from my job. I thought I was on rock bottom and someone just shifted some of the rocks.
What a ridiculous mess I’ve made of my life with my actions. It felt, for a time, that I was finally getting my life in order. I had connected with someone. Really connected with someone. I cared for her and her for me. To top that off, this was almost a dream come true as the object of my affection was the first girl I ever remember being attracted to in high school.
I was infatuated with her for years and as my high school years began to fade in my memory, she reappeared in my life and we really did hit it off. I had met her family and had really become a part of her life. She was everything that I thought I was looking for in a woman.
Then… or actually just before then…
I did something that was totally out of character for me. I was in need for some companionship and had fallen into the arms of an angel of mercy for that one night. It was never intended to be anything more than two folks helping each other through a difficult night. I was supposed to be seeing my old high school sweetheart but, instead, I wound up with a sweet girl who took pity on me for that evening. Now, that evening is looking like it will change (did change) both of our lives forever.
I had no argument with Jennifer on wanting to have the baby. I had no idea (we just didn’t get a chance to talk through much of it) what that meant fully. We committed to speak again the next day. We decided to meet for lunch at the mall. A nice casual, non-threatening stage to discuss further what our immediate future plans might/should be.
In the meantime, the love of my life, was attempting to recover from a severe emotional blow with the death of her sibling. She was so disturbed, it appears, that she attempted suicide. Where does that leave me…?
This is beginning to sound like some obscenely protracted soap opera. “As the stomach turns…” Geez.
Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, I got the phone call that I was being laid off from my job. I thought I was on rock bottom and someone just shifted some of the rocks.
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